Lord of the Rings Stands Up For Minorities, Protects the Disenfranchised, and Encourages Texas Ranger/Boston Red Sox trade for Alex Rodriguez (A-Rod)

After a careful screening of LOTR (it's a dangerous movie, many creatures didn't live to see the end), your blogger explains what it all means.

The third segment in a line of three hour movies, LOTR zoomed into the box office lead by raking in $125 million in just over five days. To put that in perspective, that's half of A-Rod's $250 million contract to occasionally dive after a baseball in between spits.

A-Rod's status was also strongly alluded to in the movie. Gandalf said solemnly, "it's time to move on from being a Ranger and turn into what you were meant to be . . . ." I think that all Yankee haters clearly understood what A-Rod should be; a Boston Red Sox. But since there was only two hours and forty-five minutes left in the movie, they cut off trade talks and went back to the personal hygiene habits of Gollum.

Gollum's dentist must be from Bakersfield.

There was a lot of really cool things about LOTR. It wasn't the halflings. In fact, if it weren't for having read the book, I would have thought the role of the four main hobbits was created by the Nerdy and Wimpy Actors Guild (NoW AGh!). At the top of the sad list was faithful Sam.

What was he most faithful at? Crying.

Now let me interject here. I'm a sensitive guy.

I'm in touch with myself emotionally.

I've shed my fair share of tears (I'll never forget the 1992 NBA Finals loss to the Bulls). But Sam shed more tears than Old Faithful spouts.

Just about anything triggered an outbreak of Hobbit tears. I couldn't help but think that if someone had a large enough container and pipeline near Sam that Southern California's water problem would be solved.

Sam shed more tears than all of last years Academy Award Winners combined. He produced more salt than a bag of Doritoes. His eyes glistened like he was taking a nap in a field of onions.

Some happy tears. Fine.

Some sad tears. Fine.

But frustrated tears. Angry tears. Simpering tears. Fighting tears. Dreamy tears. . . .

Somewhere it has to stop. And it did, after three hours and thirty minutes.

If you want cool strange people, Legolas and Gimli provide the show. They made Leonidas at the bridge look human. Which he was. But they made him look more so.

Arrows and swords and axes and brave action they looked quite content to hit the streets and look for some more fun when the movie was over. Everyone else looked like they just wanted the royalties.

I probably should put in some words about Aragorn. I was quite fond of the guy for the most part, but I have to say that he's not the smoothest individual when it comes to figuring out that when girls secretly follow you to the battlefield after long, dreary goodbyes, have their dad make you an incredible sword that says you're king, bake you an apple pie for Valentines Day, darn your socks, are white as a sheet when they are around you, and seemingly shrink before your very eyes whenever you say a kind word to them, you've got a problem.

You're a chick magnet.

Sadly, Aragorn did not take proper precautions under such circumstances. He did not run far enough or fight hard enough against the fate that so sadly befell him.

Some fall on the battlefield. Others at the dinner table.

One is quick and painless. The other lasts a lifetime. . .

Which brings us to the terrible danger of Rock Music. Never fall for Arrowsmith's lead singer's daughter. That's how my parents raised me. How sad that not all children were raised so well.

At this time, I probably should point out that Gollum was an extremely interesting character. He reminded me of Joe Leiberman with an attitude.

Gollum is not your normal "used to be Hobbit, murderer, lived underground by myself for hundreds of years, didn't own anything but a very powerful ring that pretty much ruled the whole world" creature. To be blunt, he reminded me of Christina Aguilera. He made really funny noises, didn't wear many clothes, and always seemed to be preening for someone even though he had extremely bad taste in make up and attire.

To summarize the review: A-Rod goes, Sam's a chick, Aragorn's chic, Gollum's Christina (and don't forget Joe), Legolas and Gimli Dwarf the competition, and never, ever, under any circumstances, fall for the daughter of the leader of an 80's rock band's.

Night.