A PRACTICAL GUIDE TO FIXING THE TOPKAPI PALACE HAREM

In Topkapi Palace in Sultanahmet in Istanbul, there is a Harem, which was once one of the most famous in the world. There is a story of the Tulip Festival held every year (tulips came from the Asian steppe, and were popular in the Ottoman Empire long before Holland took them over) that the Sultan would hold two separate days of viewing of his tulips from the Palace gardens. The tulips were arranged in huge viewing rooms and tents on racks and lighted with candles in colored glass bottles in such a manner that they light appeared to be coming from the tulips themselves. The public was allowed in the first day of the festival, but the second was reserved for the Sultan and his Harem. It was traditional to place candles on the backs of turtles, who wandered the grounds, while the women of the Harem searched in the racks of tulips for little gold trinkets and gifts which the Sultan had had hidden amongst the flowers. The only people allowed in during that evening were the Sultan and the Harem. As they say, it is Good to be the Sultan ("they" left out a lot of the more uncomfortable things from the overall domestic picture, but we get the point).

The Harem, unforunately, is not like that anymore. You can visit it while you are at the palace for an extra fee, but there are no beauties hidden in the harem, and the place is empty. Quite a disappointment for your average tourist. Therefore, we offer the following solution for revitalizing the Harem of the Topkapi Palace, in the form of an open letter to the Palace Administrator.

Dear Sir:

Please accept this suggestion for the improvement and betterment of the Palace and the Harem, as humbly submitted by those who have spent time in your lovely city. The following steps should be immediately taken:
Every day, early in the morning, the Palace Administrator would hold open auditions. All visiting young women would get a chance to audition for a special chance to view the harem from the inside. Only the finest from all around the world would be chosen, according to a quota system. In this way it would be just like the Harem of olden times, with a variety of looks. Then, the special few would be allowed into the Harem and given traditional garb, after which they would participate in a historical reenactment of every day Harem life. They could easily quadruple the fee they charge to view the Harem, and it would engender a healthy competition with the aspiring models and actresses of the world who wish to prove their mettle in the testing by fire that would be The Harem Experience. It would also start a whole new ranking system. Because of the quota system, some days would be harder to get in than others. For instance, a Saturday Quality girl would be much higher than a Tuesday girl, etc. Certain busy holidays would be like the World Series of Harem days. One can only imagine the administrator saying to a applicant, "Actually, today isn't good-why don't you try back on Wednesday morning-we aren't so busy then."

So, Administrator of the Topkapi Palace: listen to our grand idea! We personally guarantee increased revenues, more tour buses, and a better, and more scenic city. Besides, with your new duties, you too will learn to appreciate that It Is Good to be the Palace Administrator.

Sincerely,

Your Traveling Friends
JS®