Important Lessons for Ben: If you must flirt with girls, do it before you turn five

Ben, life is an enigma and the crown jewel of the enigma that is life is the poster child for enigma: the female world.

Strange creatures. Wonderful creatures. And as they grow older, dangerous creatures.

That said, you'll probably like girls. It's natural. And they do have some extremely likeable features. Besides that, the genes of both the Bigger family and the Reitz family indicate that you are inclined to like girls.

The cards are stacked. But you can still emerge relatively unscathed if you play it right.

So let me start off by saying that your Uncle Mark was quite a ladies man before he hit the big 5 year mark. He rarely made appearances at social functions without some chick crawling beside him. Quite frankly, he enjoyed being the Don Juan of kindergarten and all of the fun that it entailed.

Relatively speaking, he left this stage of his life with pleasant dim memories, no broken hearts, and a host of pictures of him with that day's companion in sweet embrace for your grandmother and mother to coo over. You too can take this life. You too can be the envy of your peers.

But when you turn five things start to change and it only gets worse. For instead of a hazy distant memory of sweet hugs and kisses, your squeezes will sharply remember everything you've done before and go through emotional gymnastics that guys like us could never dream of. And those emotional gymnastics will all have one thing in common: every single manuever says "You, Ben Reitz, are at fault. You are the cause of my misery. And if you don't understand why I'm mad at you, it's your fault. Because you've done something very bad and the fact that you don't know it just indicates that what you did was even worse."

Five, Ben. Five.

Until you turn five the female world is your oyster. You can roam the halls without fear of reprisals. You are the wind. You are an eagle. Then you turn five.

And when that occurs, you have to completely change tactics. A new stage of your life is entered into. A very complicated stage. A stage called "The rest of your life."

Think of the neighborhood dog. You don't want it to follow you around all of the time. You don't want it growling at you as you go down the street. You like it. You enjoy having it around most of the time. The great question arises, how to get along with the neighborhood dog without it making life miserable.

1. Show no fear

Simple, girls and dogs can smell fear a mile away. No fear is best. Approach with confidence. Enjoy the interaction. Even befriend. Keep the growls away.

2. Give absolutely no indications that you're inclined to adopt

Because if you do, getting home without being followed is an absolute trial. Every word you say, every move you make, may be considered an invitation for adoption. The times of kindergarten of putting your arm around a girl and giving her a big smooch are now taboo. She will take this as a sign that you're adopting her. No, Ben, No!

With the proper advance thinking, you can tread the line with confidence and skill. As for now, enjoy your time until you turn 5. until then, you're the man.

Love,

Uncle Mark