Financial Advice for the Intelligent Blog Reader (note: headline can be interpreted as reading that the person reading this blog is intelligent or that this blog is intelligent. Wiggle room. Ha ha ha)

It has come to my attention that a great many intelligent people who are readers of this blog (intelligent because they are, after all, my friends) are practically financially illiterate. Therefore, it behooves me during the course of human events to correct certain misconceptions about finances, how to handle them, and their relationship with happiness.

1. Mark Bigger's Definition of Financial Success: "Financial success is the absence of financial worry caused ulcers, the presence of full cognitive abilities, the absence of creditors, and the presence of the ability to afford a Seven Layer Burrito at Taco Bell."

2. Mark Bigger's how to get there from here guide

Let's start with the definition of here and there. Mark defines here as "wherever you are at" and there as "being able to intelligently afford a Seven Layer Burrito creditor and ulcer free."

First of all, ulcers. Ulcers are caused by worry. Worry is caused by lack of laughter. Lack of laughter is caused by not looking closely in the mirror when you get up in the morning. How you start the day is how you finish it. Take a good look, enjoy God's sense of humor, embrace the walking joke that is you, and move through your day confident that you will not see anything scarier than what you've already encountered.

My Uncle, a wise man, once said that the advice "learn to be amused, not angry, at your own mistakes" profoundly changed his life. Ulcers are a direct result of anger, bitterness, and the Clinton Presidency.

Secondly, cognitive abilities. This is difficult for some us. But cognitive abilities are mainly lost because of lack of exercise, not ability. Embrace learning. Engage in thinking. And your financial life will take on enjoyable qualities previously unknown.

Thinking is an exercise. The brain is a muscle. And your mental fitness is in direct proportion to your cheerful attitude toward life (even though it sucks if you're a Seahawk fan).

Thirdly, creditor free. This is the simpliest thing in the world. How people get into debt is beyond me. Avoiding debt has been extremely easy for me and I'm happy to share this secret:

Getting in debt is impossible if no one will loan you money

I successfully was turned down for five straight credit cards. When I tell friends that I'm out of cash and look longingly at the expensive items on the Taco Bell Menu Board, my friends say things like "then you can entertain us while we eat."

You will never have creditors if no one will loan you money. If you are in this position, the world is your ice cream cone. Watch for drips.

Last for this lesson, acquiring $1.59 for the Seven Layer Burrito of your life. For some, this is the easiest step. For the Mark Bigger's of the world, this is a hard one. Consider the following:

By collecting 32 soda cans with a five cent deposit, you are able to purchase one Seven Layer Burrito. There's difficulty with this solution. The fierce competition that the Mark Bigger's of the world face with the homeless community for stray cans.

It's a dog eat dog world out there and dog's don't taste nearly as good as the pundits say they do. But there are other solutions.

Consider fundraising solutions outside of the Post Office. You still face the competition element, but there's alot more funding available with significantly less work. Plus you have a vast advantage if you are still sober and put up a "Will Work for Food" sign with "I have a law degree and could make up a really nifty will for you" at the bottom. Try it. It works (and has long term Seven Layer Burrito potential)!

I could go on and on in regard to finances. But for today I'm going to sign off with the following reminder: "A dollar earned is a dollar taxed."

Cheerio