Bloggers Guide to Traveling Fast

Blogger is not perfect. He does not wish to scare readers by challenging their fundamental beliefs, but Blogger still has to admit that he occasionally errors.

Friday was such a time. He was pulled over by an officer of the law. It was a reminder to Blogger that he has not been following all of his "rules of the road" for fast travelers. Therefore, as a reminder to himself and to educate his readers, Blogger will talk about two of the three parts of driving fast without adverse law enforcement consequences.

1. Avoiding detection

The most important part of avoiding speeding tickets is never being pulled over by an officer. When driving fast, avoiding being pulled over is about avoiding being noticed.

Things to avoid:

Rapid lane changes, rice rocket cars, bumper stickers, dents or bad paint jobs, old cars, camping in the left lane.

Things to do:

Check every over pass and entrance ramp to make sure that no police officers are entering the freeway, scan your mirrors for police activity, travel at a reasonable distance behind a rabbit (fast car), slow down before going over the rise of any hill or around the bend of any blind corners, monitor other traffic for strange patterns, and buy a radar detector.

2. Chatting with Law Enforcement Heroes

If pulled over, remember that our law enforcement heroes did not dream of growing up to be a cop so that they could pull law abiding people over in their cars and absolutely destroy their day. In fact, Police officers are people too. They have the same weaknesses as normal people do. The fact of the matter is, they really probably aren't thrilled about pulling you over.

Answering "the question:"

First of all, the police officer will probably ask you the dreaded question "Do you know why I pulled you over" or "Do you know how fast you were going?"

If asked to read the police officers mind, the answer is always "no." Imagine saying "for speeding" when the police officer was pulling you over because your brake light is out. It can happen. And even if there is a 99.9% chance that you were pulled over for speeding, it is still truthful to answer "No, officer, what did you pull me over for?" If you say "for speeding," the officer will use that answer against you in court.

If the officer asked you how fast you were going, do not give him a number. Give him a description. "I thought I was going a reasonably speed under the circumstances" or "I was going with the flow of traffic" are two good examples of what a good legal, but polite answer should be like. Those answers will not be used against you in a court of law. Nor should they offend a reasonable officer.

If the officer asked you where you are going, tell him and be happy. For this probably means that he has not made up his mind to write you a ticket. Be polite, get him talking, and if you can casually get information on how fast he got you going and using what method, do so.

If you can get it in, ask the officer for a warning. Most of them are not asked for a warning. Your chances go up dramatically of getting something if you ask for it.

1 and 2 are designed to avoid 3, fighting your ticket.

Our law enforcement personnel do not like giving out tickets. Do them a favor and give them no excuses to pull you over and plenty of excuses to give you a warning. In doing so, you will give officers more of an opportunity to actually do things like fight crime. This is a worthy cause indeed.

Quake Hits Bakersfield: No One Cared

Blogger was reading a book this Saturday at the famous Barnes and Noble of Bakersfield (where the few, the proud, the literate of Bakersfield come to read books) when he noticed that the bookshelf was shaking.

In fact, he looked over and noticed that the whole row of bookshelves were gently swaying. He waited for the expected yelling and screaming that often comes with such natural displays of earth shaking. He saw none. He waited for people to look for the nearest door jam, but saw none.

In Bakersfield, little concern is given to such things as a 5.1 earthquake centered 25 miles away. Everyone is much more concerned about finding a way to escape Bakersfield for life, not just for one natural disaster.

Blogger Reviews Rides at The Stratosphere in Las Vegas

Growing up, Blogger had a secret. He hates heights. Carefully hiding signs of fear (sometimes even successfully, sometimes) he would take the challenge of traversing heights while at the same time frustrated at his own "heightened" sense of fear.

To this day, Blogger still does not like heights. But he finds it a very psychologically useful to experiment. So in the interests of science and character development he rode the highest rides in the world this weekend at the Stratosphere in Las Vegas.

For the advancement of knowledge in the year 2005, to further an understanding of the human mind and body, and just in case some crazy reader of Blogger's scientific work would like a review before they undertook to try it for themselves, Blogger reviews the four rides of The Stratosphere.

High Roller

On the 109th floor of the Stratosphere lies "High Roller." It's a roller coaster. Where you go around in circles. with no railing separating yourself from a dramatic entrance on the Las Vegas strip.

For those in the early stages of fear experimentation, this is the ride for you! Other than the dizzying feeling of going around in circles rapidly and having nothing to your left except helicopter fumes, this is an extremely tame ride.

Blogger enjoyed it.

His dinner stayed with him throughout the whole exercise.

Insanity

Six extensions containing four chairs a piece. A crane takes you 63 feet out away from the building, with nothing between you and the afterlife but God's grace.

It's a great witnessing tool.

After having you sit out there in the open air for a bit thinking about your sins, dwelling on the fragile nature of man, trying to comfort the teenage girl sitting next you who thinks she is going to die ("well, I know you think you're going to die, but let me assure you, if you actually do die your parents are going to be set for life and the insurance company that thought the designer of this thing knew what he was doing will be really mad"), it starts spinning around in small circles very rapidly. About 25 Miles Per Hour. If a bolt comes lose somewhere you could end up at Lake Mead.

A very well recommended experiment.

As a sanity note, clean up crews do occasionally go over the roof of the building 104 stories below.

X-Scream

Imagine you're in a car overlooking a cliff the equivalent of 109 stories up. Imagine that the car suddenly lurches toward the edge of the cliff and goes over the edge. Imagine dropping two stories front first. Then abruptly getting snagged by something and being held in by your seatbelt.

Repeat imagination sequence.

Be reminded to wear your seatbelt and remember in the actual event of going off of a cliff, the car is unlikely to actually catch on anything to allow you to avoid dismemberment or death.

Last Ride (name forgotten. Breathe gone)

You get strapped into a seat and without warning, launched approximately two hundred feet (I don't remember) into the air in about two seconds. This generates 4 G's.

You reach the peak over looking all of Nevada. Without pause, you are dropped 200 feet so that you have zero G's.

Repeat.

Biblical Analysis: The Tower Of Babel

There are more hotel rooms in Las Vegas than in anyplace in the world. People from all over are here to do all sorts of completely unorthodox things. This is a tower that seemingly reaches to the heavens.

One asks themself (normally at somepoint during a ride), why them and not us?

Ahem.

Blogger highly recommends this spiritually invigorating journey through the recesses of fear in the human mind.

When you go to Las Vegas, be above it all.

The Dangers of False Advertising

As the years go by, Blogger has become increasingly frustrated with the acceptance of false advertising in modern life.

We all understand "puffing:" The act of inflating legitimate claims to make them appear even better than they are. However, the practice has gone too far.

For instance cars. You see the advertisments of the car zooming through the country side with deep, guttural engine noises as the driver glides through the gears. Then they cut away to a luxurious inside shot of the vehicle, panning over the various gauges and leather that fills the interior. One of those gauges is the speedometer and even if it's a four cylinder little car designed to race turtles in a pond, the speedometer inviteably goes up to 140 or 160 mph.

Liars! The only way the car could go that fast is by dropping it off the Golden Gate Bridge. With a two ton millstone tied to the car. Freshly Waxed. The highest point of the bridge.

Blogger refuses to let car companies get away with such deceptive advertising. What if one day a madmen in a muscle car decides to kill you, you excelerate, only to find that your car will only do 110? You die. That's what. And the car companies should be sued.

So he faithfully checks to make sure that car companies have advertising campaigns of integrity. When he gets into a car, he takes note of the speedometer and checks to see if it is an accurate assessor of the actual potential of the vehicle.

Blogger is happy to point out that today on the outskirts of Death Valley, CA, Blogger tested the limits of his Camaro. Chevy advertising executives can breathe a sign of relief. They need have no fear of litigation from Blogger. Blogger Camaro does in fact max out the speedometer at 150.

The world is a safer place.

Oak Brook Alumni Association Athletic Affairs Committee Achieves New Triumph

Bakersfield, CA - The OBAAAAC proudly announced the first boxing triumph for one of its members this morning.

"Seth O'Dell is a tribute to the ideal of the student athlete that the Oak Brook College of Law strives to make," stated OBAAAAC founder and athletic wannabe Mark J. Bigger, "Oak Brook grads should be, if not the best attorneys, able to beat their opponents into submission through athletics."

O'Dell won his three round bout by decision after the referee repeatedly intervened to make sure that his larger opponent wanted to continue. After the win, Seth O'Dell thanked his alma mater for all of the support they have given him throughout the years.

"Oak Brook gave me a flexible schedule so that I could pursue other interests," he said, referring to their unique vision of distance learning. "Their professors gave me enough frustration that I developed an interest in wanting to go out and beat people up. This is my opportunity to show how far that interest has brought me."

A large crowd of partisans packed the annual Bakersfield Police Activities League fundraising event "The Battle of the Badges." Fans of O'Dell repeatedly chanted "Seth O'Dell, Seth O'Dell," while carefully emphasizing the first and third beats.

Partisans of the California Department of Corrections (CDC) officer who was O'Dell's opponent repeatedly chanted "CDC, CDC," to increase the frenzied atmosphere of competition. Some audience members responded by chanting "GED, GED," in reference to the exam that CDC officers often take. More sensitive members of the audience hushed them up by reminding them of the pain it could cause to those CDC employees who have had no education at all.

OBAAAAC members applauded Mr. O'Dell's efforts in the boxing arena, pointing to the fact that other than the 120 member strong golfing chapter, Oak Brook athletics have been sadly lacking.

"For too long Oak Brook athletics have been mocked for not being able to compete without a cart," stated alum Jesse Whitten, "now we have shown that we can compete and succeed in other areas. I, for one, will be working to form a vacation beach volleyball team."

Inquiries about the OBAAAAC and their charitable work with physically handicapped Oak Brook alumni of all geographic backgrounds can be obtained through the Bakersfield Extension Office.

Wise Words

Blogger has been extremely contemplative lately and remembering some of the things that have gotten him so far. Far defined as the writer of his very own blog, dual residencies in the hip cities of Bakersfield and Fresno, the paid friend of the morally challenged and geographically restrained in our society, etc.

A very wise man once said to me. "Mark Bigger, you have an incredible gift. You have something that very few can even dream of not to mention understand. But the market value of being just plain goofy is at an all time low, so stick to law."

And I have.

A friend of mine once said, "Mark, you can't rely on good looks and charm forever. At least if you ever plan to make it outside of Bakersfield."

So I haven't. Unless you count Fresno. Which is a more cars stolen per capita version of Bakersfield. A real jewel of a place. A regular oasis of dust on the desert of central california.

So here I sit, in Fresno, in Bakersfield, also know as the center of the world, the center of the part of the world that most people want to get out of, reflecting on how good life is because I have followed good advice.

Never go out on a blind date.

Take risks while you have a choice so you do not have to take them when you have no choice.

Never take personal advice from Conan O'Brien.