Hillary Clinton Faints While Giving Speech: Bill Says Pregnancy To Blame

Shockwaves hit the international community upon hearing that Hillary Clinton's recent collapse at a speaking engagement may have been related to pregnancy.

The largest shockwaves were related to the biological implications of the announcement. The revelation that Hillary was pregnant shattered the favored belief in San Francisco circles that President Clinton was not the man of the house.

Former President Clinton categorically denied any involvement in the pregnancy until the reporter clarified that the woman involved was his wife, the Senator from New York.

Norway: "United States President Worships Satan"

Shockwaves hit the international community today because of President George W. Bush's salute to 666 (right handed index and pinky finger). The charge was led by United States political observers in Norway.

"We in the international community have always suspected that Bush had made a deal with the Devil," stated leading Norway social thinker, Victor Laslo. "He has finally come out of the closet."

The salute, famous in Norway grunge rock bands, drew notice from other international celebrities as well.

"The United States is the Great Satan," stated retired dictator and applicant for the left wing social commentator role on CNN's Crossfire, Saddam Hussein. "Bush Jr. is a larger threat to the middle eastern environment than the internal combustion engine."

Bush claimed that the salute was actually a native Texas acknowledgement of one of the bedrock of American Values: Football.

"The Texas Longhorns have one of the greatest college football teams ever assembled," he stated. "As a loyal son of Texas, as a red blooded American male, I am proud to show my allegiance to my team."

The French Ambassador issued a statement decrying the American President's "Thinly veiled public support for violence" through his endorsement of football. The President referred all future questions on the subject to country western star Toby Keith.

Toby Keith questioned why so many people are apparently listening to the complaints of the leaders of Norway. He cited the fact that Norway is insignificant in comparison to Amway and that Wal-Mart kicks both their behinds.

Michael Moore Decries Bodyguard's Arrest: "Patrick Was Only Trying To Protect Me From Right Wing Radicals"

Michael Moore's bodyguard, Patrick Burk, was arrested in New York City today for carrying a gun in New York without a valid permit.

"I can't believe that this state is supposed to be a part of America," ranted Moore, "if you are a famous person who takes a stand against unfamous people carrying guns, your bodyguard isn't even allowed to carry a gun to protect you!"

Police apprehended Burk when he contacted United Airlines personnel about his unloaded .40 caliber handgun and the procedure for checking it in. He is licensed to carry concealed in California and Florida.

"There's a lot of right wing gun toting lunatics who would love to have me in their sights," said the notoriously calm and reasonable Mr. Moore. "The very idea that I can't have my bodyguard to protect me with his gun is absolutely a travesty!"

Mr. Moore insisted today that this would have never have happened if it weren't for the war on Hollywood that Republican elected officials in New York such as the current mayor of New York City and the Governor, George Pataki, have waged with ferocity.

"We all know that Rudy Guiliani and his handpicked henchman are orchestrating this behind the scenes," he said. "Charlton Heston and George W. Bush have probably planned this for quite sometime so that I am left unprotected from the attacks of their ultra violent allies like Rush Limbaugh and Michael Reagan."

The NRA denied their involvement, citing a long history of opposing gun control laws.

Weekend Legal Pad Quotes


"If you're going to dive into the deep in, you might as well have some rubber duckies to play with." (in reference to Kevin and Amy having a little one on the way)

"Worse case scenario, I meet a girl, fall in love, get married."

Legal Pad resident dissertation on possible life scenarios.

Disclaimer:
Any Legal Pad resident accused of making any of these quotes will probably disavow all knowledge or seek to cast blame on Blogger. Blogger is only too happy to be accused of making such quality statements.

Lessons For Ben: Picking a Sports Team

To be perfectly honest, Ben, I wasn't planning on writing this article. Instead, in light of recent events in the sporting world, I was intending to write an article called "Sports: An Essay on Human Suffering" or something of that nature.

However, there are something that I want you to learn early on in sports. The first thing you should know is that your sport teams should not be picked because they are winners, or potential winners. In fact, it's probably best that they aren't winners. Because if you pick a team that is a perennial loser and stick with them through thick and thin it will greatly enhance your ability to empathize with suffering in the world, develop determination, and deepen your capacity for loyalty.

Now for a quick aside. Someday you may drift away from Uncle Mark's chosen path and get married. Remember, Ben, that you must not choose a wife like a sports team. Do pick a wife that is a winner. Do not pick a wife who will enhance your capacity to emphathize with suffering, develop your determination, and deepen your capacity for loyalty.

That being said, a bunch of guys out there will pick the "flavor of the month" football team that has a tendency to win time and time again. Those guys are losers. That's right. Losers.

Fans of such football teams do not get an opportunity to develop character or have their resolution forged in the hot fire of defeat.

Now maybe it is a little extreme to be a fan, like your Uncle Mark, of the Seahawks. The hapless Seahawks who with their loss in the playoffs last week have kept their twenty year streak alive of not winning a playoff game.

That's 7,305 days.

175,200 hours.

Uncle Mark can still remember that last win. He can also remember the playoff game in 1988 against the Houston Oilers where Freddie Young "dropped an interception" on the Oilers game winning drive in overtime. The NFL later sent a letter to the Seahawks "apologizing" for the "dropped" interception. Evidently, he only "dropped it" officially, not literally.

Then there was the first round playoff loss to the Dolphins in 1999 when Dan Marino brought them from behind in the fourth quarter; the overtime interception returned for a touchdown by the Packers in 2004; and now the infamous dropped pass in the endzone on fourth down on the second to last play of the game.

Some people, Ben, would view these things as signs that you have picked the wrong team. Those people are immature, empty headed, and lacking character.

If you pick a team wisely, you may never see them win a game that counts. Your Uncle Mark has not seen his Seahawks win since he was 7 years old! But you will have ample opportunities to develop the character necessary to make it through this veritable world of woe.

Pick teams that develop your character.

Bed time for Uncle Mark.

Blogger Gives Tribute

Blogger made a commitment when he started this blog that he will strictly refrain from any sentimentality or hint of seriousness. This week brings an event that justifies a break from that policy. Someone who has meant a lot to me is moving on to better things.

There are very few people in this world who you can rely on to always be there when you're feeling down. I remember the 1996 Presidential Elections. Every single day I was barraged by the incredible realization that President Clinton would be elected again. The Republican Convention, the debates, then election night, what a depressing experience.

Then there was law school, the late nights, the last minute cramming, the uncertainty. Stress by paper. Legal Writing Assignments.

Then the tough times that I went through because of friends who went down the wrong path or hit a difficult snag in life. Or just being plain tired of keeping all of the balls up in the area.

But there was one constant in my life. One person who I knew would be there, writing for the Miami Herald to brighten my day.

So to Dave Barry I say thank you. Thank you for reminding me that laughter is the best medicine. You are the Socrates of newspaper humor. You touched lives by touching funny bones.

You helped me see the rainbow and think "there's something inherently funny about a rainbow, if only I can find it."

To millions of people everywhere, you showed them that if someone make a buck by writing completely nonsensical stuff, that they could too. Of course, most newspaper editors do the same thing, but you inspired people. You told them that it was ok to every once in a while show your true self and break down and laugh.

Thank you Dave Barry.

Argus is just a Dave Barry wannabe.