Blogger and Client Control: Thunder and Lightning

On Thursday, Blogger was able to demonstrate the Benny Hinn method of client control. Blogger is not selfish. He wants other people to be able to use good technique as well. Therefore, Blogger shares his technique to readers without thought of financial compensation. However, checks can be made out to Mark J. Bigger, Esquire if you choose to make a donation.

There are three things to remember in controlling a hysterical client: (1) Be the calm oil of commonsense, (2) use your physical magnetism to floor dissent, (3) when client is properly subdued, go to the next one instead of losing the potency of your presence by mear casual conversation.

First, when facing a hysterical client who is being arraigned on some sort of dire criminal charge, such as welfare fraud, who is frantically trying to tell the judge, over your objections, that "I did not do anything wrong. I had no money. I needed it for my son. Because he has no job. I was just taking care of my little (20 something year old) son. That's what a mother is supposed to do" Be the calm oil of commonsense.

Nudge the client toward taking a position of communication outside of the courtroom, like an appointment at your office. Point out that you have just been appointed as her attorney and that you will do absolutely everything you can to make her legal problems go away. Hand her a business card and with a soft, soothing voice (I prefer the Gollum voice myself), tell her that if she will just make an appointment, we can discuss everything that happened and come up with the absolute best story possible for the judge (often a prominent word in this story is "guilty.")

Normally the soft Gollum voice does the trick and the client walks out of the courtroom looking at your business card as if there was a concern that it was made with disappearing ink. But occasionally, as on Thursday, the client has passed beyond rationality to their normal state of confusion.

That's when Blogger unloads "The Benny Hinn" manuever. Reassuring place your hand upon the clients' shoulder and say "everything's going to be ok. We'll figure this out together" in your very best "You are getting very, very sleepy" voice. The client will then (if done correctly) promptly fall to the ground and have a seizure. The courtroom will gasp and all other clients sitting in the audience will be on notice that if they do not submit to the calm oil they will be floored by your personal magnetism.

While the opportunity is still hot, it is time to take as many clients aside as possible (while the court awaits the arrival of the ambulance) to tell them whether they should plead or fight their cases. You have established a sense of awe. You are the thunder. You are the lightning. What you say is law.

And the client, upon awaking, will remember that the last thing you said was to get a hold of you at your office and that you would solve her problems. She will get to the nearest phone at the hospital, dial the number on the card, and ask exactly what she is supposed to do.

Their independent will has been broken. You are then free to tell them what is in their best interest without fear of resistance. You have established client control.

Just remember: You are the thunder. You are the lightning.

Political Conventions: The role of the party, the role of the candidate, and the role of Blogger

Once every year or so, even more often here in California, all of the Republican Party Faithful come together from all over the state and try to think of creative things to argue about. Solidarity is the key to a successful convention, but nothing worth having is easy so several stalwarts in every Republican Party State Meeting fan the flames of dissent to keep convention goers awake. Party Conventions are a great opportunity for grown ups to argue like children over just about anything that moves. Then half of them spend the night drinking, get raging hangovers, and wonder why everyone argues so much.

The arguments are, at first glance, wildly entertaining. The best way to win an argument is to pull the Ronald Reagan card. When things get dicey, point out that your hero was Ronald Reagan, and that even though he probably could care less who was regional assistant to the vice chair of the committee for promoting California Oranges as the snack of choice at Republican Candidate Headquarters, that his moral influence on all Republican lives dictates a vote for you.

Of course, your opponent will then bring up that he was a part of the 1984 Modoc County Get Out The Vote Campaign for Ronald Reagan - a campaign that contributed to the greatest landslide in modern politics. By the end, accusations fly that the people who disagree with them are closet liberals (they probably voted for Ford in the 1976 primary), someone calls for a vote, people make their choice, and then everyone talks about what a smooth meeting it was with no fist fights and such.

To paraphrase Will Rogers: "I'm not a member of any organized party. I'm a Republican."

Blogger does his best to sit back and be the voice of reason. Just like he does on this site.

Blogger Salute To Valentines Day

Valentines Day has a special place in Blogger's life. For Valentines Day is the source of many heartwarming stories that amuse and inspire Blogger to live a life full of meaning and happiness. Not the least of which is a story that occurred this Valentines Day in Orlando, Florida.

A gentleman took his chosen sweetheart to an Orlando Magic/New Orleans Bobcats game. In an incredible display of finesse with the support of the Orlando Magic entertainment staff, our hero made his move during the intermission between the first and second quarter of the game. Taking his chosen sweetie by the hand, he took her out onto the court, poured his heart out at her feet, proposed perpetual couplehood, and waited with bated breathe for her response.

It was not long in coming.

She ran. Like the wind. And was never (for all we know) seen again.

Now, Blogger's roommates (Blogger occasionally chooses roommates who have girlfriends as the perfect antidote to any possible chance of straying from his chosen path) expressed deep sympathy for our hero and the dismal crash with which he struck the rock of marital rejection.

Blogger thought just the contrary. As his Grandpa Peterson put so well, "Be careful what you wish for, Mark, you just may get her."

Our hero may be sitting alone, but next time, he can afford a better seat.

Which brings us to the second heartwarming Valentines Day story. This one tale of personal significance to Blogger. Mainly because it's about him.

Many, many moons ago, in a small town, far, far away, Blogger was a part of a homeschooling group that had an annual Valentines Day Skate Party.

There were some particularly dicey moments in Bloggers life at such parties. Including receiving actual notes from girls (with hearts on them and stuff),etc.

But nothing compared to the fateful Valentines Day when Female Friend (name kept secret to protect the identity of a very fine individual of impeccable moral character) skated up to Blogger right before the dreadful event that always caused Blogger tremendous terror (of course, I'm referring to couples skate). "Mark" she said, looking quite nervous as girls tend to when asking guys the sort of question she was just about to ask me, "I hate to ask you this, but I'm sure that Male Friend of Blogger (name withheld to protect the reputation of someone who Blogger has no idea because of time and distance if they need their reputation protected) is going to ask me to skate with him and he grosses me out. Would you skate with me?"

Now Blogger has two main principles in life. The first one has been ironclad for quite sometime. (1) never say "no" to a friend in need.
Which brings us to the second one: (2) if a friend asks you to couple skate with you, their status as a friend is temporarily suspended until the crisis is past.

Cold? Yes. But rules are rules and Blogger wasn't going to let a little something like "compassion" or "concern for others" or anything like that get in the way of sticking to his guns. He kindly, with apparent conviction, pointed out to her that he wasn't skating during couples skate, and that she could do the same with him (he thought he was quite chivalrous to say so too).

And so he avoided the dreadful couples skate and the veritable road of misery toward romance and marriage and stuff that we all know couples skate inevitably leads us down (even at the tender age of 13). And lived happily until this very day (and hopefully longer). THE END.

Blogger Hypocrisy Era Ends

For almost a year now, Blogger has been living a lie.

He has got out of bed, went to work, came home, visited with friends, gone to church, political activities and other events with the knowledge that he was in fact representing a life that he did not believe in.

Living a lie is not to be taken lightly. It takes a toll. A tremendous toll on your moral and spiritual energy.

Sadly, Blogger has been completely run down by this life of falsehood. He cannot live it anymore.

He has sold his van.

He has bought a Camaro. With a Corvette Engine. A V8 Corvette Engine. A 5.7 Liter, V8 Corvette Engine.

To be more precise, a 340 Horsepower, 5.7 Liter, V8 Corvette 6 Speed Manual Transmission Engine.

Armed with a radar detector, the real Blogger takes the wheel.

Blogger has been unmasked.

In other news, Blogger law school chum, Jon Freeman, is reportedly recovering well from post anxiety stress disorder. Jon was a passenger in Blogger's Camaro when it made its first venture into plus 130 MPH territory.