"Not to worry" says famous Bachelor Blogger, "My Rent-A-Car name has nothing to do with my state of mind."

In a move that sent shockwaves throughout America, Blogger rented a Buick Rendezvous. Widespread speculation circulated that this was a sign that the old Bachelor Blogger was going to be a new kind of Bachelor Blogger once he moved to California.

The Campaign for the Betterment of Mankind Through Bachelorhood, of which Bachelor Blogger enjoys a favored place, categorically denied such rumors. In fact, they were quiet vehement in that only a dirty mind would even suggest that Bachelor Blogger was not remaining faithful to the principles that have served him (and the one woman who would otherwise be stuck with him) so well.

"Bachelor Blogger Bigger has held been a city on a bachelor hill for many years now" stated another committed bachelor. "His life is a shining example of fun and guns and cars and scars and just living the bachelor dream in general."

The Campaign points out that a Buick Rendezvous is in fact an SUV - a crossover car that can be loved by committed bachelors as well as the less fortunate in our society. The name is a sad byproduct of a marketing scheme gone wrong, but the steel and rubber which make up the vehicle should not be punished for Buick's advertising indiscretions.

Wardrobe Redux

Blogger, in an exceptional display of bachelor will, overcame his natural, cheap, anti-shopping inhibitions to bring his twenty four hour clothes shopping spending spree up to $700.

Blogger is now contemplating the hitherto unthought-about-advantages to joining a nudist colony. Any other takers?

Blogger Spends the most part of an entire hour redoing his wardrobe

I'm a low maintenance metrosexual.

In other words, if I can look good while being perfectly lazy and enjoying comfortable attire, I will.

I went shopping today and in less than an hour scored a suit (it's like a blackish looking thing), two pairs of delightful white shirts (both wrinkle free, of course), and two ties (one blue and one red. I'm a wild man. )

Of course, subjecting myself to that much shopping wore me out, so I quit for the day. Tomorrow, refreshed from a night's sleep, I shall venture forth to get some new shoes, new socks, new underwear (hey, good underwear can make a big difference to an attorney. If underwear doesn't fit right, it severely undermines ones confidence) and maybe even a non-white shirt (living dangerously. . . . living dangerously. . . .whoa there!).

Soon, with the help of plastic, fawning sales people, and impeccable taste cultivated in the salt mines of indonesia, Blogger will be dressing like no one you've seen before.

The Saga of Psyching Himself Down To Be a Criminal Defense Attorney Continues

I'm going away (note sad, but heroic background music as a woman, in this case my mother, waves from the back porch at my receding figure in the distance).

Ever since I was young I've had a sense of insecurity, of inferiority. I would often ask myself, "What will it take to finally get respect from my fellow Oregonians?"

The answer has finally come: to be a California Trial Lawyer.

Absolutely brilliant. All my Oregon Republican Friends will positively admire me for what I've made myself.

Californian.

Trial Lawyer.

And, oh yes, Criminal Defense.

So anyway, I'm off to Madera on Friday to defend the poor, misguided souls of our society.

(Blogger trots away into the sunset, thinking that he will finally get to see those faces that always seem so blurred on cops)

Note to Blog Readers: As of next week sometime, remind Blogger to remove all references to Criminal Defense Work from Blog. He would hate to have a client who knew how to do a google search stumble onto the site and read such comments. It could be bad for the clients self esteem (which of course, is why they are in trouble in the first place).

Blogger Prepares to Go to California and Defend the Poor, Misguided Souls Who Were Led Astray By Drugs, Loose Women, and Cards to the Point Where They Lost Sight of the Important Things In Life - Like Having the Money to Hire Your Own Lawyer

It takes a certain optimistic attitude toward life in order to be really good defense attorney. You have to look beyond that person sitting next to you and see the little piece of humanity that resides in their mother.

Your blogger is working hard to reach this piercing level of sight.

-Leno

President Bush also spoke out about the dangers posed by the people who spread sexually transmitted diseases. See typical Republican always taking a shot at Clinton. There’s no call for that.

-Letterman

There was one touching moment last night at the State of The Union address when President Bush introduced Liza Minelli’s battered husband.

-Leno

I guess you know, John Kerry the big winner in Iowa last night! Ted Kennedy introduced Kerry as "The Comeback Kid”. That used to be Bill Clinton’s name on the campaign trail – "The Comeback Kid”. Because every time he would come back to a city, he would find out whether he had a kid our not.

-Letterman

Of course the big surprise – John Edwards came in second. Edwards was quite eloquent – he said "We have two Americans, one for the rich, one for the poor. Two countries with two tax systems, two school systems and two medical systems”. Today President Bush said "Why don’t you become president of the crappy one.”

As befitting the fact that these are late night jokes, Blogger wrote the names of the jokers above the joke instead of below to signify the tiredness with which he writes this evening.

Bad Dream for Blogger

Blogger woke up in a cold sweat the other night to the feel of having his ear nibbled. For a split second your blogger visualized himself as married and was just about ready to let loose a horrific scream when he realized that the nibbler was his cat and not bloggers wife.

Upon arising in the morning and looking in the mirror Blogger found three white hairs. He also believes that he herniated a disk in his back when he rolled off the back edge of the bed. He is still looking for his retainer (to keep his teeth in place) and hopes it was not hurt in the subsequent domestic dispute.

Blogger resolved to make sure "Kitty" (his cat) is well fed every night before bedtime. Furthermore, he is keeping his Glock firmly under his pillow so that it is the first thing he comes into contact with upon waking. If cold steel is the first thing felt upon waking, it is a blessed assurance that no one human is sharing the bed.

Blogger is once again sleeping peacefully at night.

Blog Squatters Evicted But Scars Remain

In the wee hours of the morning of Wednesday the blog was taken over for a brief period of time when blogger - tired from faithfully entertaining friends - failed to log off of blog when using an unsecured computer.

A post was posted that was obviously not consistent with the good taste and firm beliefs of your blogger. Several deviations from this blogs normal quality are hereby noted.

If Blogger uses a Jimmy Stewart in the persona of George Bailey quote, he would likely quote George who - alive in a world where he is securely married to Donna Reed - says, "It would have been better if I would have never been born." It was only through the heroic efforts of just about the whole town that George was cheered up enough to avoid suicide - a thought that very well may have been acted on after the movie was over when he discovered that not only was he still a married man, but that the producer of the movie had failed to file a copyright renewal.

As for rescuing damsels in distress, Blogger points out that damsel was a friend and that friend cannot help it that she was born a girl. Blogger generously disregards such things as gender when determining whether a friend has his loyalty and trust (and of course, best efforts for their own continued welfare). Therefore, Blogger is consistent in character with his firmly held quasi-religious briefs that female relationships involving sentiment beyond that contained in normal comraderie and friendship is dangerous for the wellbeing of any right thinking bachelor.

Furthermore, if a damsel in distress would have needed rescuing who was not a friend and therefore deserving of all the loyalty, trust, yada, yada, etc, as hitherto described, it still would not have been inconsistent with Bloggers quasi-religious beliefs as long as no sentiment was felt or shown beyond that normally felt for the good of mankind and the progress of the human race.

As a side note, although not particularly true in the actual case alluded to, damsels in distress are notoriously entertaining in their suffering giving rise to heroic efforts to hide bloggers amusement. These heroic efforts are perfect training ground for enhancing self discipline and the fine art of stoicism.

Your Blogger apologizes for the deep emotional distress that his cavalier attitude toward blog security may have caused readers. In the future, he will remember that "the only thing truly secure is the security of knowing that you will never be truly safe from those who wish to harm the beautiful world that bachelor believers live in."

The only thing that can possibly save you from them is eternal vigilance and an eye for liberty. Cheerio.

Hello, this your Blogger's alter ego, broadcasting live from an undisclosed hacking location.

There are several things about Mark which we feel obligated to inform you, so we'd like to take the most of this opportunity:

Today, a situation presented itself in which Mark found a new means of fulfillment. To quote Jimmy Stewart in the personage of George Bailey from Bedford Falls, "It is not often that a man finds himself in such a situation." Through a work of fate, Mark was called upon to rescue a damsel in distress. Now you all know Mark's adamant professions regarding his future and so far, he has been able to avoid excessive entanglement with feminine interference with his sincerely held quazi-religious beliefs. However, his heart was stirred today as he was compelled to rise to the occasion. An unfortunate incident occurred to a dear friend, and the only rescuer available at the moment was the chivalrous Mark who was accompanied by a good friend. The argument that ensued between myself and his "dark side" was sharp. However, I prevailed and we went to her rescue. The whole incident opened up a whole new side to Mark and there are sure to be many arguments in the future between his dark side and myself. This is all to say that a new gleam has come to Mark's eyes. Toward no one or thing in particular, but seeing that we are jumping the nest, there will be many new horizons to pursue. We will miss the ones here, but life's an adventure and I will make the best of it.

Blogger Broadcasts Live From The Eaton Compound (Tape Delay isn't Working)

Because of the great negligence of the blogger of the compound blog (yes, there is such a thing, but there's no use having the url, because they update it about as often as they take the Bar.) Blogger is here to give an update on the sanity, poise, and readiness of the inhabitants thereof.


________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________


For those of you not familiar with medical terminology, that is called "flatlining." The Compound Residents report that life is good. Unfortunately, they haven't had a chance to live any of it themselves.

Computers surround the humans here as they study for the bar, but it has not reach T2 level conflict.

Yet.

Which brings us to friction. Friction powers the automobile, is how fire is most often created, creates energy, allows movement, and enhances character.

The Compound is full of characters.

Character is not the absence of bad, but the presence of substance. Character cannot be ignored (if only it could). Character builds bridges and tears them down, but never leaves anything the same. There was once peace at the Eaton Compound.

Peace is not an end all. For if it was, the Eaton Compound would not exist.


Existence is not so much a state of being here at the EC. It is being in a certain state of mind.

I present to you insanity. Frustration. Irritation. And Broken Concentration.

Bar Study.

It is going on here at the Compound.

Prayer list update coming to an email account near you.

Why Blogger Left The Fake World of Politics For A Real Job

This is hard missive for me to write. For five years now I have been working at the OBCL First Year Student Dream Job. Of course, I'm referring to being a Legislative Aide.

In recent years, this dream job has even included a three or four day work week during the interim. The rest of my days were spent in the back yard by the pool drinking margaritas and smoking cigars (ok, ok, so I never had the money for the cigars and technically it was a mud puddle and carrot juice).

Why would I leave this utopia for the grueling job of the trial attorney?

Well, to be perfectly honest, I think it was the carrot juice.

Forget I said that.

The truth of the matter is that in every young man who has lived a beautifully pampered life has one thing in common: I am, of course, referring to profound contentment. But oh yes, there comes a time when wrinkles start to come along, when the jokes start to slow, and when one asks the inviteable question "when I die will I be frozen in the same freezer as Michael Jackson?"

Motivation springs forth.

Motivation to live life to its fullest. To embrace challenges. To harness ambition and put it to (dare I say the word?) work!

Such a time is this. In fact, this is such a time. Hmm, such is this time (there's bound to be another way to put it with those words. Send suggestions).

So here I am. Scared.

But happy. Because there are some sorts of scared (like the Bar Exam, for instance) that just say to you "You're really living now. There's risk. And where's this risk, there's the possibility of gain."

Maybe this step will be the first step toward fulfullment of my lifetime dream. Of course, I mean having enough money to buy the Seahawks from Paul Allen so that I can sit in the owners box and cheer them on to a playoff loss every ten years or so (actually, every ten years is pretty good). That would be living (tons of great food in the owners box).

How Blogger Got A Job

Many people have read the ramblings on this blog, seen the recent post announcing my new position as a defender of the oppressed, and asked themselves, "How in the world could someone like blogger be hired for such a position?"

How indeed?

Well, I'll tell you.

Tolerance.

You see, when I walked into that interview with the two attorneys sent to investigate me and they quickly informed me that they were Democrats I knew that there was really only one way to get the job.

Tolerance.

So I pointed to the great diversity that I could bring to their office. I appealed to their benevolent hearts about what a fine liberal thing it would be for them to hire someone of a different political persuasion - an even greater act of tolerance than Pat Robertson hiring a homosexual, for example. I pointed out that my qualifications for the job were absolutely not up to their view of competent and that logically they should put their own personal prejudices aside (regarding experience, law school attendance, undergrad, grades, silly stuff like that) and hire me out of the goodness of their fine liberal hearts.

Presto! I am now the Republican Attorney in the Madera Office of John A Barker and Associates.

You may feel free to use my technique without creditation at any interviews you have with Democrats. I am not in this for the glory.

Next post. Why would Blogger leave the safe, serene security of Salem and the three day work weeks (long days, but who is counting) for the competitive, competive, world of criminal defense? Is it because he just wanted to be a part of the most respected class of lawyers in the eyes of average Oregonians (California Criminal Defense Trial Attorney)?

The next blog entry will lay it all out for you.

Your Blogger Faces An Identity Crisis

Today I accepted a job in California. My mother will not be coming with me.

There comes a time when a sensitive young man of 27 must face the harsh realities of taking personal responsibility for his life. There is a season where every fear plagued boy must strap on his size 12 boots and make his own way in the world. There is a time when a man must give up his GI Joe's and start his own collection of R-rated War Movies away from the steadying hand of his parental guidances.

Yes, dear readers, this is such a time.

February 2nd is such a day.

Madera, California is such a place.

Mark Jarrod Bigger will be working as the defender of underprivileged misguided individuals who like the wild stallion only wish to be free. He will do his best to guard them against the cruel, terrible cowboys that ride with spur and bit, who fence, corral and rope, just for smoking dope.

My calling lies before me. A new MJBigger arises from the ashes of Oregon Political Junkie Mark to avenge all wrongs.

And for only the second year in his life, Mark J. Bigger, Esquire will be living in a land that is not almost perpetually flowing on the gift of rain clouds, but instead is soaking in the sun of the sunny dispositioned.

Later. . .

Former Senators Exit Opens Race Up For Key Democrat Voting Bloc

Carol Moseley Braun exited the Presidential race today, opening up a key democrat voting bloc that she has had a firm lock on up until now.

"To win a presidential race at this point in history it is essential that the Democrat nominee captures every important liberal voting bloc" stated political consultant Joseph Carver, "Let's face it, there are very few democrat voting blocs as important as the dead Chicagoan voting bloc."

Historians note that John F. Kennedy probably would not have captured the presidency if it was not for the very political cemetery residents of the Windy City. Historians also note that after the unfortunate choice of a convertible rent-a-car in Dallas, JFK could have remained active in politics had he been laid to rest in Illinois' largest city.

As a Senator from Illinois, Carol Moseley Braun ruled the deceased Chicago vote until too many live people voted in 1998. Democrat candidates are already jockeying for position before the last dirt has been thrown on Senator Braun's candidacy.

Blogger would love to share great inspirational words on today's post.

But unfortunately, I'm just not that sort of blogger.

Blogger Ponders Possible Link Between "Unclehood" and "Adulthood"

At just after 9 AM Eastern Time, the 20 inch, 8.7 pound Michael Bennett Reitz entered the world with a scream and a holler. Much joy and elation was felt by Blogger. To be consistent with the nature of this blog, he is moving on to the subsequent ponderings on being an uncle and what it means, etc.

Many things have been written about the powerful change of perspective that often occurs upon becoming a father. But practically nothing has been written on the powerful change enacted upon uncles.

Your blogger is here to right the worlds wrongs.

(Wannabe writers of the world, note alliteration).

New fathers talk about a new sense of direction. A feeling of responsibility. The distinct impression - if you will - that they are being welcomed into the world of adulthood (scary stuff).

But for a person of Blogger's extreme sensitivity, unclehood has done a similar trick. In fact, if Blogger had been sent to a real school instead of going to the "Bigger Blogger's of America School for the Procrastination Gifted" his mother would doubtlessly have told the teacher on the first day something like this:

"Don't spank little Marky. He's an extremely sensitive child. If he ever acts up just spank the child next to him. That will scare him enough as it is."

So here I am an uncle. Facing the reality that some people may put me in the adult category. You would think that at a time like this I would be making vows to change my free spirited ways and settle down as a productive member of society. Ha!

Baby steps. Baby steps.

I will start with the achievable. Stuff like no longer adding a cup of brown sugar to my bowl of Lucky Charms (that's a kind of cereal for all of you people raised on granola).

Furthermore, I will work on raising more money so that I can play the "Sugar Uncle" to little Ben, visit often, take him to Six Flags, help his father (at Ben's young age, I will allow his father to be the primary male burper and pooper scooper as well) teach him the fine art of cornering on driving video games, etc.

Being a "Sugar Uncle" is definitely a step into the world of adult. But at the same time, it still has the fun that your Blogger wishes to remain accustomed too. In other words, fatherhood for blogger is too hot, no young kin is too cold, but unclehood is just right.

To put it one more way, Blogger fully intends to put the "fun" into disfunctional for young Ben. He intends to mold his young skull of mush into a young skull of mush with honey and raisins.

What a fine education young Mr. Reitz is in for. Yeeeeehaaaaaaawwwwwwww!

Blogger Denies Reports of Quick Marriage in Vegas

Blogger vehemently denied the rumor that he got married to music (so-called) star Britney Spears in Las Vegas yesterday.

"That act would be inconsistent with everything I've ever stood for," he said, referring to his preference for the single life and his disdain for dyed blondes. "I know what Britney said. But let's face it, anyone who dated Justin Timberlake is pretty darn desperate. Her comments were the act of an extremely unbalanced woman."

Blogger also pointed out that marrying an ex-mouseketeer is the moral equivalent of marrying the daughter of the frontman for a 1980's rock band. This is just one of the many hundreds of things that would exclude Miss (in a purely non-puritan way) Spears from consideration from any intelligent bachelor seeking long life and happiness.

For more confirmation of the fact that no such marriage took place, contact Blogger's publicist at mjbigger@juno.com.

Cost of Living is Going Up But Still More Popular Than Ever

News reports indicate that more and more people are living under the poverty level. Well, duh! More people are moving south of the Mason-Dixie line every year.

Earlier this week Howard Dean called President Bush "The most dangerous administration in his lifetime.” And today Saddam Hussein said, "Yeah mine too.”

- Jay Leno

Doting Mother Leaves Bachelor Blogger to Own Devices

Shockwaves were sent through the Corvallis/Salem Area fast food community as Bloggers Mother left to spend a month on the east coast. The fast community is hoping that Bloggers Mother's absence will tide them over through the rough times caused by this month's minimum wage increase.

"The cost of business is going up," stated local Taco Bell Manager Joe Johnson, "But with Mark Bigger living here, we're hoping that we can get through these tough times without any layoffs."

A residual effect has been felt at the local Blockbuster Video Store. Store employee Josey Joseph explains the emptiness of the action/adventure section.

"Mark Bigger likes movies where people leave life with an exclamation point," she said in an obvious reference to the fine drama contained in action movies and portrayed in the act of dying. "Mark Bigger also seems to like movies where characters travel in a way that he can emulate while driving to work in the morning."

Blogger is happy to report that his last four interactions with officers of the law ended with what are commonly referred to as "stern warnings." Blogger hates the hassle of unnecessary paperwork or unpaid courtroom appearances - another thing that action movies seek to avoid.

Blogger also enjoys movies that avoid the terrible mistake of having feeling based dialogue beyond Blogger favorites like "I think I'm going to enjoy killing you." He encourages everyone to send a strong message to Hollywood that the action/adventure genre fulfills a positive role in affirming bachelors in their life decision.

He also supports lower minimum wage laws so that bachelors can eat at fine restuarants without fear of their favorite "courtesy worker" being laid off.

Blogger Returns to Normal Cynical, Heartless Self

"Writing this past week has been really difficult," says Blogger, referring to the lack of human suffering he was experiencing with the Seahawks second playoff appearance in 14 years, "I feel a lot more comfortable on the keyboard now that my Seahawks have lost."

Blogger pointed out that the great writers in history, except for romance writers (which Blogger has never had a knack for), all were suffering greatly from some sort of trauma when they did their greatest work. Their writing was an outlet and their suffering was a window into humanity that allowed them to vent to the world with just the proper amount of cynical realism.

Blogger once again feels beaten down from the cruel world that is sports and relishes the opportunity to take it out on the rest of the world via his blog. He's back.

Mark Bigger Dedicates New Years Day to Humanitarian Activities

In a huge display of unselfishness, Mark Bigger devoted New Years Day to making the lives of the less fortunate more comfortable.

"Sometimes we forget what a huge impact we can have on the lives of those less fortunate." Stated Mark, holding back tears as he looked for his hankerchief. "I decided to make New Years special for one less fortunate life. 12 hours is the least that I can do."

Mr. Bigger spent New Years petting his cat and allowing her to lay on him for a marathon 12 hours as he watched football and napped. Researchers point out that cats are often starved for affection and just want the warmth of a human body to make them feel secure and happy.

"Mark Bigger displayed just how little it takes to make one cat happy," stated an anonymous person dragged off the street just to make this very statement. "If only everyone would do so much."

Much Anticipated New Years Email is Generating Usual Responses


"Good to hear from you! I'm lucky that I got your email... 28 more days
and my last name changes and so will my email ID" seems to be a typical response. In fact, one former 97b student wrote those very words.

Other favorites include "I really don't know who you are, unless you were that nerd in glasses I used to know from home school get togethers, but could you please remove my email address from your list?" (obviously this person did not read far enough to see that I am now an ATTORNEY. They would know that I am definitely cool now and someday will have much more money than many of my early precocious associates.

My personal favorite: "Mark Bigger, it's been a long time. Last time I saw you was when you first started to experiment with deodorant. How's that going for ya? It's been a long three years."

Then there's the response of the girl who had a crush on me in high school. Oh, that's right, there was no such girl. Sometimes my imaginary friends get really close to obtaining a social security card in my memory. Sorry for not sorting that out in advance.

I made it home after the New Years Eve Party. I had to drive myself, a difficult task after having drank more than usual. I can't concentrate on the road when I need to go to the bathroom. Watch that apple cider. It's dangerous!