Blogger Feeds Thousands

Blogger's law firm, Barker & Associations (no, the founder of our law firm was not a dog), had their annual community picnic.

The community picnic is designed to create community goodwill (for the law firm that seeks to put criminal defendants back on the streets) by giving out tons of free food. Free food, in the redneck central valley, means beef.

Of course, Blogger was assigned the task of cutting the beef. Assigned by a person that had no idea that Blogger was raised without a sign of meat in sight. In other words, blogger is a vegetarian.

Blogger relished the irony of cutting over a hundred pounds of beef, of rolling up his sleeves and changing gloves often because of the blood from the special request undercooked meat (some people call it "rare" but when half the people in town request it, it's hard to call it that with a straight face.)

Beef cutting is an art. The most important part of beef cutting (Blogger discovered quickly) is avoiding cutting off any extremities. He is proud to report that not once in the over one hundred pounds of beef that he cut, did Blogger slice off an extremity. This is a great accomplishment for someone of Blogger's absentminded ability.

Cheers to picnics.

Dear Reader

Blogger has a terrible announcement to make.

There is no Easter Bunny.

Blogger digresses.

Today, Blogger was contemplating on life. What it means. Who lives it. The fine nuances of life. The broad strokes. Etc.

About that time, Blogger hit a bird in his vehicle.

Feathers flew across the road. A fragile life ended.

Blogger felt something deep had just happened. Then he spotted a coyote running across the road. He was unable to hit it.

Blogger could have linked together. After all, when feathers fly there's normally a coyote nearby. But instead, he thought of the lillies of the field and how sickening it is when some people waste their time picking them for others outside of mothers day.

Then he considered the drunken man in the ship. "They beat me" he said, "where can I go to find another drink." And Blogger thought of his clients.

Blogger safely made it home despite all of these thoughts. In fact, he made it home in record time.

Deep thoughts.


Deep.

Deep.

Thoughts.

Blogger's tired. It takes energy to think.

Blogger Explores the Criminal Mind

The criminal mind is an entertaining subject of study. Blogger knows this because he has had ample opportunity to see the criminal mind in action.

For instance, basic communication skills to a criminal.

Criminal: "Can I get released on my own recognizance."

Blogger: "No, the bail schedule is $50k and you haven't given me a good reason to tell the judge to reduce it."

Criminal: "But I really want out."

Blogger: "I believe you. I'll do my very best. However, I can't make any promises."

Judge after bail review pitch: "I am going to leave the bail at 50k."

Criminal: "Ask him if I can get out on my OR."

Blogger: "He just denied you an OR."

Criminal: "Judge, can I get out on my OR?"

Judge (somewhat exasperated): "No."

Criminal walking away and muttering: "I got my rights. They can't hold me in here. It ain't right."

"No" is a foreign concept to many criminals. As one of Blogger's co-workers explained so eloquently, you can tell them everything in plain language and they won't understand a thing. But if you say "You're right man, this ____ is _______ up." They'll applaud you for understanding their position, think you're a genuis, and believe when carted away to the State Pen that you will be mourning for the whole 10 year imprisonment that they are getting such a raw deal.

The criminal mind views things extremely differently than the rest of us. Irony is lost on them. For instance, actual quote of the week. "I realize that murder is a serious charge (Blogger affirms truth of this statement) but I've got things together now and I think I deserve a shot at a new life."

To the reasonable mind, this is an extremely troubling statement. To the criminal mind, this is an unnassailable argument.

Blogger rests his case.

Blogger Comments on Bylaw Making

Blogger sits in the formative meeting of the Oak Brook Alumni Association (Affectionally called "AA"). Discussion is productive, but extremely boring. A sign of a great organization in the making.

Things discussed so far in the meeting include the status of paralegals. Blogger refrained from asking what status we were talking about beyond "married" or "single." This is an indicator of the great restraint with which he conducts himself offline.

The personalities in the room are all distinct. Distinctly forceful.
The water contained in the pitchers is cool. Probably because of the ice floating around in the top.

The chairs are relatively comfortable. A good sign. Because they're going to be occupied for awhile.

Blogger salutes this great endeavor and all of those who are participating.

Blogger's "How to Guide" to Sharing "Our Story"

Blogger has noticed that the trend for new couples is to write out "their story" for the whole world to see. Blogger's roommate is half of one such couple. Blogger shares insight into how to accomplish this task.

Set the frame:

Every story needs a framework in which to operate. It should be noted that such a framework involves "sap." A reasonable word is impossible to find during one of these stories. Trying find the word "No" for instance.

Sap takes many different forms. Physical descriptions of the beloved are particularly annoying. "The smile from her face lit my heart on fire" is a great example of a good "our story" and why Blogger detests them so much. In fact, Blogger suggests that the best "our story" would be along the lines of "twisted fairy tales."

"And as my prince rode his broken down steed into the barn post, I heartily despised him, but the social setting which I lived demanded that we meet and wed, so "yes" left my lips as "hope" left my heart. Now I go riding on a horse everyday. The end."

Creatively illustrate how "your story" is unique from "their story"

For instance, "our story: how two perfect strangers could meet in the first place is completely impossible, because no one is perfect, not even strangers. But we did meet and our meeting is perfect so now we are going to make all of our friends miserable by telling them about it over and over and over and over again." Ahem.

Writing a good "our story" is an art. Much like witchcraft.

It could all be avoided if you would have kept her from bewitching you in the first place.

Blogger Makes An Appeal For World Peace

Fresh from another conflict filled day in the legal battlefields of California called "Court rooms," Blogger appealed to the dignity of mankind in ending this neverending conflict.

"Police and potheads, Bush and Kerry, China and America, Snowboarders and Skiers, Lawyer and Attorneys, drop your verbal swords!" stated Blogger, "We can all get along. There is room for beach access and private beach front property. If we only put our mind to it. No one will mind us at all!"

Blogger feels much better.

On guard!

Blogger Attends Wedding

Blogger saw his childhood friend Rick Cummings married off this past weekend. It was a beautiful wedding. Very spiritual. Tasteful. Creative. No mishaps.

Blogger wants to personally thank all of his friends who have given him this summer hiatus from weddings so that he can view a wedding with such objectivity. This was the first Saturday in quite sometime spent wallowing with several unnecessary layers of clothing (for a weekend) while watching two people moon over each other and seeing all the old ladies use their hankerchiefs way too frequently and nudging their husband's awake. This time has been a haven for him in the 5 year barrage of weddings. A time to recharge.

To those friends, thank you. You've made this summer one of my best ever!

Discipline For the Newlywed Married Man

Blogger has noticed the annoying trend of newly married male friends putting on substantial pounds. When questioned, they laugh it off nonchallantly like the Pillsbury Doughboy with a wedding ring.

Blogger is appalled. He firmly believes that instructions for males on how to retain their bachelor figure should be included in any pre-marital counseling course. He thinks the government should consider this as a proposal worthy of grant money (taken directly from the Endowment for the Arts) and take immediate action through tax breaks and other incentives to stop this plague of jiggle.

What ever happened to a sense of dignity and self respect? Whatever happened to discipline and a desire to be the best that you can be?

Blogger is deeply saddened by this behavior. Very saddened.

Things you must see in NYC

Blogger is a fan of visiting NYC. His cultured sister encourages seeing the following:


Staten Island Ferry - See the Statute of Libery. Do not propose anything stupid.

The Strand (World’s Largest Used Book Store) Holds nearly two million books. That’s almost two million more than blogger intends to read. 828 Broadway at 12th St.

UN Headquarters - See where John Kerry's foreign policy decisions would be made if he's elected in November!

Cathedral of St. John the Devine - largest in the world. Very Catholic. Which leads me to

St. Patrick's Cathedral - Home of Cardinal O'Connor, ACT-UP often visits morning services.

Grant's Tomb. Some dude died around there. Guess he wasn't important enough for his remains to make it out of Harlem.

New York City Library. Go upstairs and see the huge upper hall. The famous 1984 movie "Ghostbusters" had a scene in there. Now how did I know that?

Federal Hall - Where the first GW was inaugurated. This is where James Madison presented the Bill of Rights.

The Bill of Rights is known by some as being part of the Constitution. The Constitution, as everyone knows, is the document by which judges rule this country.

New York City - How to Work Off Large Meals

1. Turnstile jumping

Hundreds of people people sedately put their pass into the little machine and walk through the turnstile to board the subway. But not you! No way. Big Brother doesn't control your life.

You take the road less traveled. You are an eagle in a land full of sheep!

After the excitement wears off and you are safely in custody. Explain to the officers of the law that "you are a country boy" and that "there was no way you were going to let that metal thing touch your body after it touched hundreds of other bodies because you'd be sure to catch a disease from someone." State that "your running when called to halt was because your mother had told you to stay away from the big city and that suddenly her fears seem well founded. Flight seemed the most prudent thing."

Mention that from the small town that you came from, a place on the west coast called "LA," the safest thing to do is always to run from the cops. That you mean no disrespect, but when an arrest happens, people start rioting in Watts.

See how far that gets you.

ahem.

2. Grand Central Station "French Connection Reenactment"

Start at the Grand Central Station, get in a car (for added excitement, be like the locals and randomly select a parked car), and race the B-Train! Bonus points if NYPD comes out in full pursuit. Nothing says "Alka Seltzer to the Rescue" quite like a car chase after a Gray Papaya hotdog meal.

3. Wall Street When the Bell Gongs

The bell gongs, the voices start, the stocks trade, the financial world's center is a teeming mass of humanity.

For those of us who are capitalistic pigs, the calories burn off just watching other people trying to make money. Amazing. Gotta try it.

4. Jogging in Central Park

Lots of people do. And since Guiliani's term of office, more and more of those joggers have survived their excursion.

Dwell in the fact that at Bethesda Fountain, the famous opening scene from Mel Gibson's "Ransom" occurred. Imagine the horror of a kidnapping taking place there. Then see the happy people. Then run around frantically screaming out a random child's name to see how they react.

Crowds of people can create so much entertainment.

5. Brooklyn Bridge Manhunt

Most Wanted's famous last scene was filmed here. Endless opportunities for excitement abound to those who dare think it on the Bridge. Pedestrian friendly with the walkway above and the cars down below, it seems like half of humanity is driving down below.

Unfortunately, it's the wrong half.

Bachelors Guide to Dining New York

Gray’s Papaya (72nd and Broadway. Two hotdogs and fruit drink for a $2.50)
Gray’s Papaya was often talked about in the movie “Fools Rush In.” “Fools Rush In” is a movie about the slippery slope that little things, such as letting a girl cut in the line for the restroom, can be for a bachelor. Profound moral lesson.

Which brings us back to Gray’s Papaya. Blogger does not eat hot dogs. However, if he did, he would think that $2.50 for two hotdogs and a fruit drink would be just about the amount he would pay.

Veselka 144 Second Avenue at 9th St. Open 24 Hours. French Toast, OJ and Coffee for $4.25 Julianne Moore and her husband were spotted there on a recent visit by Blogger’s siblings. Julianne Moore is an actress. An actress is someone who pretends to be someone that they are not. Along with this comes the practice of pretending to do things that they are not. Julianne Moore is pencil thin. It is safe to assume that she was only pretending to eat at Veselka.

Bachelors can eat in truth, untroubled by conscience or fear of a paparazzi getting a shot of you with your mouth open.

Cucina di Pesci (Italian) Go between 4 and 6 with full entrees, bread, soup, and wine for $10. 87 E Fourth Street (between Second and Third Avenue) in the East Village.

What can I say? Full meal deal. No actress sightings. No famous movie scenes filmed here. Happy bachelor paradise.

Ray’s Pizza. Every other block. More oil on this pizza than any other kind. if you want to hang out with regular New Yorkers, the swearing, sort of smelly, blue collar variety, Ray's is the place for you. I loved it.

In fact, if the good die young then the good ate at Ray’s and died of clogged arteries.

Soon Blogger will explore entertaining ways to work off those New York meals.

Things to do in New York City - Part One

With the Republican National Convention going on in New York City, Blogger thought it appropriate to list some activities for convention goers.

Go to the Statute of Liberty and get engaged. http://www.nynewsday.com/news/politics/rnc/nyc-rep01,0,3981678.story?coll=nyc-gop-headlines. Blogger does not recommend this. Blogger suggests that going to the Statute of Liberty and then proposing borders on the sacrilegious. Much more appropriate to wait until you get on a downward elevator in the Empire State Building, wait for it to get stuck, and then resign yourself to a similar life by pulling out the ring.

However, Blogger wishes to congratulate old friends Stacy Pannas and Marc Lucca. He misses the old days back at the Capitol and running around with the Young Republicans. He supposes that if marriage is a necessary evil that their hooking up beats a Roseanne Barr/George Burns union.

Blogger will write more on NYC today or tomorrow. Be prepared for the great "turnstile hopping" exercise, enjoying the Empire State Building while reliving your favorite scenes from King Kong (and ignoring any uncomfortable, icky memories of Sleepless in Seattle), and a bachelors' guide to good New York City eating.