Blogger Reports On Whales: An Essay of Morality And Taste

Blogger visited Catalina Island last weekend with Blogger pals Seth, Jeremy, Isaac and Jesse. His voyage was lengthened considerably by his ships slowing down for pods of gray whales. This caused Blogger to reflect on all of the other kinds of whales he saw over the weekend and what it means for society as a whole.

Sadly, it does not bode well.

For Blogger not only saw gray whales, he saw white whales, black whales, and brown whales. Unfortunately for Blogger, these whales were in the "beached" category and they did not have enough of a sense of dignity to wear something more than a swimsuit or (horrors) a bikini.

This is appalling. It is not only appalling for the future health of our beach climate, it's appalling for society as a whole.

You see, arguably the whole "if you've got it, flaunt it" culture is immoral. But the whole "I've got it, plus I'll raise you 200 pounds and flaunt it" culture is not only immoral, but it lacks taste.

It's akin to heterosexual sin versus homosexual sin. One is natural. The other is extremely distasteful to people of refined social sense.

So today Blogger reflects on the best way to enact societal change. The ballot box? Boycotting clothing manufacturers who make XXXlarge Swimwear? Elimination of all you can eat buffets?
All enter the mind of MJBlogger to be discarded or stored for future use.

Half naked beach whales are truly a mammal not worth saving in that present state. To offer them large blankets. . .ah, that would be a fine, noble thing to do for all of mankind. But MJBlogger for one, is not in favor of "saving the beached whales."

He asks for all social minded individuals to join him in a campaign to restore them to their rightful habitat. Which is, of course, a fully clothed habitat.

Blogger Quote of Day

"I love my life. It certainly beats the altar."

Blogger Explains IRAC (Not a country)

Blogger recently used the IRAC method of legal analysis when explaining a legal theory to a client. Here is a paraphrase of the analysis.

Issue: Is the victim giving the defendant an STD a defense to a subsequent domestic battery charge.

(Editors Note: If you are unaware of the meaning of “STD,” I will enlighten you. It means “Some Terrible Discomfort.” If anyone questions this definition, ask them how this is wrong. I seriously doubt they will have an answer in the negative.”

Rule: No.

Application: Legally, this defense is more likely to make a judge laugh than anything else.

Conclusion: A person thinking of using the STD as a defense to a future crime should realize that jails are alarmingly ill equipped to adequately create a comfortable environment for STD suffering residents. This should be considered before taking potentially illegal action.

For further great analysis of the pressing legal issues of the day, feel free to give me a call.

Salute To Tom Cruise

Early in this blog's life I talked about the terrible fear of Tom Cruise: dying.

For too long Tom Cruise has failed to face his fears and take a script that has him dying on screen. For too long he has placed himself in roles where one thing was certain: At the end of the day, he would be alive.

Tom Cruise has faced his fears. The rest of the movie may be junk. The story pathetic. The action somewhat mundane. The acting. . . .well, with Tom Cruise. But by golly, Tom Cruise finally took the onscreen bullet.

No, his death scene was not the best in the history of cinema. No Gene Hackman twitching on the street or James Cagney on top of the world, but it was significant nonetheless. It gave us all hope that one day, we may permanently have a world without Tom Cruise.

Blogger Finds Niche In Life

Blogger was the defense attorney in his first jury trial on Thursday. He can now say that he has truly found his niche in life.

He was paid to stand up and talk while 12 people were forced with the threat of facing a contempt of court action to sit there and listen to him. Is this a great country or what?

A Bachelor Life Wasted

There's many things in this old world that are sad. Old Yeller, Schindler's List, Sweet Home Alabama. But one of the truly most horrible things in this old world is to see a bachelor failure.

We've all seen them. The guys who pine away after everything remotely resembling a woman.

They chase.

Their tails.

They woo.

They lose.

Their life is a series of romantic disappointments. Of polite "no's," pointed ignoring, confused female friends running off into the distance, and the occasional cruel hearted vixen's knife across the throat.

They live in a cell of their own making. "Freedom is being chained to a woman" they think and that thought holds them captive, driving them downward into a disgraceful bachelor depression.

They are bachelors only because they can't find someone to legally change their status. They are bachelors in legal status only. For they are failures.

There is nothing sadder in the world.

For the greatest things in life are free. The freedom and love of living that comes of being a bachelor by choice is a mental state.

So many have the gift in their hand but refuse to take it. For them, I have nothing but profound pity and a small ray of hope.


























They can change their ways. It is not too late. They still have freedom of choice.

Blogger Talks About Client Relations

Blogger long since has discovered an amazing fact: alleged criminals occasionally lie to their attorney.

Blogger normally uses the following discourse or something similar to get a shaky meeting of the minds back on the track of truth.

"Before we go on I think it's important that you understand something.

I am your lawyer.

I will fight for you. I will never quit trying to get you the best deal that I can. It's my job and I take it seriously.

However, you're lying to me.

You are lying to the person who at this time in your life, is the best friend you've got. There's nothing but me standing between you and a prison cell. And that cell is filled with inmates who will probably think you're the best looking thing they've seen since the 67 year old woman crossing the street two blocks from the prison as they were riding in on the bus 3 years ago.

I'm here. I'm your lawyer. And I need to hear everything that happened and not just the parts that you wrote home to your mother. Now where were we?"

Blogger has noticed that most of his professional friendships with clients don't seem to cross over to social settings.

Blogger Achieves Something That Most of His Readers Never Will: Reaches the Age of 28 Without Entering Marital Abyss

There's nothing quite as satisfying as writing up one of your own achievements. Except hearing it from someone else, of course.

But since Blogger probably won't (in the traditional sense) live forever, he is taking upon himself this evening to type out a fitting tribute toward his great achievement.

It's been ten years since Blogger could legally marry. For ten years he has avoided the approximately 3.1 Billion pitfalls that parade around the world in ever less clothing. For ten years he has lived the free life, an example to young boys that growing old does not mean that you have to grow up, grow dull, and spout Jane Austen Drivel to a Damsel Designed to Distress.

Yes indeed, today is a great marker in the life of Mark. A big step for Bigger in the onward struggle against peer pressure to join in societal's inevitable slide toward wedding ceremony.

Now that this significant milestone has been reached, the many forces of matrimony are working even harder to try to keep Blogger from reaching the age of 29 unscathed by the dreaded black tux. Danger is Blogger's real middle name. He will take them on, singlely, indefinitely. Until he celebrates the next milestone of bachelor achievement.

Blogger Explains Bourbon Street

"Bourbon Street," for all those people who don't know, is a street in New Orleans named after the least hard alcoholic beverage ever consumed in a two mile vicnity. No cars are allowed on Bourbon Street and for good reason: The windshield wiper manufacturers guarantee does not cover the effect of clearing drunk people off the hood. Of course, since the driver would be drunk as well, he probably would be unable to locate the wiper switch anyway.

There's a lot of tradition on Bourbon Street. It has to do with swaying from side to side. On Bourbon Street, they call this dancing. Police Officers call it "Failing your Field Sobriety Test."

There are other traditions involving beads. It seems that if you're an ugly enough female, there is no enforced law against flashing people (since it wouldn't arouse prurient interests in a reasonable, non-drunk human being." A bead is given as a reward for this behavior. A sure sign that New Orleans is firmly in the Kerry Column.

Bourbon Street is extremely narrow. This is to prevent it's habitants from walking in circles and getting lost while crossing the street. It's made of anti chip brick, so that the street won't be hurt by falling elbows and other hard objects. It's extremely close to the Mississippi River which is extremely convenient for when people overdose. It's within weaving distance of Harrah's Casino, where the drunk can sober up by tossing their life savings after their children's college fund. But who are we kidding? Who wants to go to College?

Blogger Hits New Orleans: New Orleans Too Stunned to Hit Back

Blogger flew in to New Orleans and was immediately confronted with an absolutely appalling fact about Louisiana: In Louisiana Starbucks locations there is no wireless internet.

In fact, Blogger has discovered that the reaction of many locals when asked about Wi-Fi in Louisiana is to ask what the internet is and why would it be better without wires?

Blogger has several different explanations of how to explain the internet to New Orleans Locals: For instance, "The internet is a medium where you can find and purchase cigarrettes without paying cigarrette taxes."

However, this is the south, where they are unfamiliar with what a "cigarette tax" is.

When Blogger is seeking to get people to obtain internet themselves, he points out that you can get NASCAR standings in real time. SEC Football scores are just a click away. In fact, you can buy roasted peanuts online and have them delivered to your door!

Blogger feels like a missionary of technology.