The annual end of year email is in the works. For those of you who have never had the absolute thrill of looking at your email and seeing one entitled "Mark Bigger's New Years Email," be warned.

Some people (many housewives take special pleasure in this activity) put together cute little Christmas letters and send out to folks. I think this sends a wrong message, a message that I refuse to pass on. A message that says "You could not know me from Adam, not care about me at all, but you'd still read my Christmas letter because it is so beautifully done and so well written that you can't help but be positively enlightened by the experience."

I, Mark Bigger, refuse lend myself to such an enterprise. If people choose to read my New Years Email, it will be despite the fact that I live a boring life and write for the pure pleasure of torturing my readers with it. I will write in Times New Roman. I will send it out in black and white. There will be no cute pictures of me contained in the email (ha! Like this is possible).

I will remain distinctly myself.

(Note: Mark is feeling rather inadequate this holiday season due to the ever annoyingly increasing competency of his artsy friends. Anything he says under the influence of such feelings of inadequacy are to be strictly construed as rubbish.)

"Life is hard. Mattresses are soft. Sleep more."

Rejected Nike Advertising Slogan.

I was watching Dennis Kucinich the other night say "When I am President" and I wanted to interrupt him and just say "Dude."

Commentary on Presidential Politics by Comedy Central's Jon Stewart

The Mid-Willamette Valley has been hit with a snow storm. This is of note and apparently, MWV drivers are writing them as they drive.

Much could be said about mixing MWV drivers and snow. Alcohol is much safer.

Next Subject.

The Greatness of Writers

Pundits have often said that great writers are great because they are laboring under some sort of cross that gives them deeper insight into human suffering and humor. For many years, I have had my own particular burden to bear and the corresponding great sympathy and understanding into human nature that such burdens bring. This week, that burden has (even if only temporarily) been lifted. Of course, I'm referring to my normally hapless Seahawks.

I realize that many of you are not football fans. I am normally tolerate of the faults of my friends and I will continue to be so in this instance. I will not go on a long dissertation on the joys of football. I am only writing this as a warning to blog readers that my writing my not have the same zip over the next week (and hopefully, but very unlikely, into mid january).

You see, my Seahawks have made it to the NFL Playoffs.

1998 was the last time. Although I really don't count 1998. The Seahawks themselves didn't seem to realize that they were actually in the playoffs until after their first round game was over and their wives started calling them on their cell phones to make off-season plans. That was the lone playoff appearance in the 1990's.

During those long, lonely years, your blogger's character was shaped by the forces of adversity that sometimes seemed more than mortal man could bear. Loss after horrifying loss, the high 1st round draft picks wasted on young punks who did nothing during their time in Seattle, demanded trades elsewhere, and now annually are selected to the pro bowl for their great accomplishments. The terrible sleepless nights asking "Why me? Why did my parents move to Washington when I was a young lad forcing me into being a Seahawk fan forever?" The unending insults from non-Seahawk fans glorying over my misery. All of the false hopes and dreams of success shattered as one team after another celebrated wins over my hapless Hawks.

But this week, be it ever so briefly, the clouds have parted. The sun shines forth. A new day has dawned. The Seahawks have officially qualified for the 2004 Playoffs!

Now, I realize that the Seahawks have a long tradition (dating back to the early 1980's) of getting out of the playoffs as soon as possible. I realize that they are very likely to lose next week and put your blogger firmly back into paragraph five.

But as for this week, dear readers, your blogger will be struggling under the handicap of lack of human suffering (basketball season is not far enough along to become the terrible burden that it always becomes about the time the Blazers lose to the Lakers in their annual playoff matchup). His normally quick jabs at the fallacy of mankind may be slowed by the fat that comes from contentment. In other words, your blogger may be extremely boring this week, but realizing the vast reliance that the blogging public at large has on his work, he will manfully put himself to the task of being his cynical, somewhat different self.

Enjoy your New Year. Work off the remnants of Christmas on a treadmill, and brace yourself for the first Billion Dollar Political Spending Year in our Nation's History.

Editorial Notes On Mispellings on Blog

Many people have said to me, "Mark, your spelling stinks."

I can assure you, my spelling is not nearly as bad I write. I like to think of it as "creatively rearranging the letters in a given word to create an understood, but completely unique piece of language for the enjoyment of my blog readers."

People have noticed, for instance, that the music group "Arrowsmith" actually tends to spell their group name as "Aerosmith." I would contend that they only spell their band name as "Aerosmith" when they are under the influence of alcohol or some illegal substance and that if completely sober, their group name would in fact be "Arrowsmith." But I digress. I realize that the mainstream spelling of the band name is not in sync with the creative writings of this blog.

I also realized that I butchered kwanzah, probably hannukah, and several other words that seem deserving of mauling. The purpose of writing is communication. Maybe, in fact, my creative spelling is a way of telling my readers that I do not think that the word being mispelled is worthy of me taking the time to get what "the world" calls "right." Then again, maybe it's just because I'm a rebel and like to be at odds with the world.

Be as it may, I'd like to point out that the worst spelling in widely read literature is in the King James Bible. KJ just doesn't jive with modern spelling. I am sure that the analogies between this blog and the KJ are apparent and do not even need to be mentioned.

Your Blogger Goes PC For the Holiday Season

"On behalf of all of the people who make up the particular kind of family that I belong to, enjoy your kwanzah, hannukah, and New Years. As Americans, we need to celebrate this holiday season with sensitivity to other cultures realizing that western civilization has nothing over living in an environment where work is frowned on and clothes are a hindrance. We can be happy that we have trained our particular kind of family to recognize that the only good kind of intolerance is intolerance of others intolerance. We also recognize that depictions of violence is a good and wholesome thing to appreciate for art's sake unless there is some sort of morality behind it, such as military action to defend so called freedom. And oh yes, if someone does try to show profound acts of violence with a moral purpose, such as showing that JC fellow dying on the cross to (so they say) save the world, then whoever tries it should be ridiculed at every step of the way. For we should realize that to say that there is one right in the world is to wrong many people. After all, if they believe differently, then that would mean that they were wrong. And the greatest wrong is saying that other people are wrong, unless you are saying that they are wrong in believing that other people are wrong. Which is completely right. Got it?
Good.

From my own particular kind of family to your particular, unique kind of family enjoy your politically correct holidays!"

Blogger

Tribute to Tatoos

I managed to watch two basketball games today with hundreds of references to the holiday season. Christmas was rarely mentioned as more than an excuse for the Laker girls to wear red instead yellow, eat tons of food with family, and think that fat guys with facial hair were a socially accepted group.

The closest thing to a Christian reference came from Mike Bibby in the form of his tatoo cross. Now, I suppose Mike Bibby doesn't know much about the what the cross stands for. He doesn't seem like a member of the AC Green fan club. In fact, he probably thinks that the cross is sort of like a swastika for non-racist people. Cool design you know. Everyone should have one. But I wonder at what point the NBA is going to say to him "Hey, tatoo's are fine, but the whole cross thing has to go. Get a witch or something more tactful. Maybe an tatoo of Larry Flynt."

Mark's Blog: Blog Readers Number One News Source

Mark's Blog was announced to be the best source of news today by a well informed blog reader. The new accolades follow on the heels of severel ground breaking news stories neglected by mainstream news sources such as The Onion and the The Howard Stern Show.

"Mark's Blog always keeps me updated on the things I really know. He's fair and balanced. He reports and lets me decide. He cuts through the clutter and makes the news interesting and fun." Said the avid reader, a huge fan of the Hydrogen Powered Hummer that Arnold tested according to a story broken by Mark's Blog. "News is generally so boring. So full of facts. But Mark's Blog cuts through all the facts to the entertainment of the issue. I always am more entertained than my newspaper and tv news watching friends!"

Mark Bigger was his predictable characteristically humble self. "The success of Mark's Blog is simple: Take the truth, give it a twist, stretch it a bit, turn it upside down, choke it half to death, and disguise it with long words smothered in chocolate. Put in the oven for twenty minutes, add a twist of lemon and serve until swallowed."

Others were a little dubious about Mark's Blog and its reliability.

But Mark used his editorial prerogative to exclude their comments, their comments made in a fit of jealousy that Mark's Blog has made it big while they are still writing stories for measly National Periodicals for Large Amounts of Money. Mark believes they will never actually write a best selling book, not to mention a best ridiculing blog. And with that, he signs off.

Earthquake Rocks California (LA Times Claims Mishandling of Arnold's Hummer to Blame)

An Earthquaked rocked the Central California Coast on Monday leading to widespread speculation that Arnold has been experimenting with Hydrogen conversion in his Hummer H1. The Kennedy Family denied the allegations until they realized that despite the earthquake, hydrogen is more environmentally friendly than fossil fuel fed vehicles. They released the following statement.

"The Kennedy Family is soundly behind Arnold in his experiments with hydrogen. Fossil Fuel is the most dangerous threat to mankind and we're proud of Arnold's willingness to take a few minor risks toward the good of our environment."

Conservative talk show hosts pointed to the quake as another example of Arnold trying to shake up the Sacramento establishment. Arnold nixed ideas to use Hydrogen to power the Capitol Building and decided to start with San Franscisco.

Preliminary reports show that Arnold's Hummer was undamaged.

Lord of the Rings Stands Up For Minorities, Protects the Disenfranchised, and Encourages Texas Ranger/Boston Red Sox trade for Alex Rodriguez (A-Rod)

After a careful screening of LOTR (it's a dangerous movie, many creatures didn't live to see the end), your blogger explains what it all means.

The third segment in a line of three hour movies, LOTR zoomed into the box office lead by raking in $125 million in just over five days. To put that in perspective, that's half of A-Rod's $250 million contract to occasionally dive after a baseball in between spits.

A-Rod's status was also strongly alluded to in the movie. Gandalf said solemnly, "it's time to move on from being a Ranger and turn into what you were meant to be . . . ." I think that all Yankee haters clearly understood what A-Rod should be; a Boston Red Sox. But since there was only two hours and forty-five minutes left in the movie, they cut off trade talks and went back to the personal hygiene habits of Gollum.

Gollum's dentist must be from Bakersfield.

There was a lot of really cool things about LOTR. It wasn't the halflings. In fact, if it weren't for having read the book, I would have thought the role of the four main hobbits was created by the Nerdy and Wimpy Actors Guild (NoW AGh!). At the top of the sad list was faithful Sam.

What was he most faithful at? Crying.

Now let me interject here. I'm a sensitive guy.

I'm in touch with myself emotionally.

I've shed my fair share of tears (I'll never forget the 1992 NBA Finals loss to the Bulls). But Sam shed more tears than Old Faithful spouts.

Just about anything triggered an outbreak of Hobbit tears. I couldn't help but think that if someone had a large enough container and pipeline near Sam that Southern California's water problem would be solved.

Sam shed more tears than all of last years Academy Award Winners combined. He produced more salt than a bag of Doritoes. His eyes glistened like he was taking a nap in a field of onions.

Some happy tears. Fine.

Some sad tears. Fine.

But frustrated tears. Angry tears. Simpering tears. Fighting tears. Dreamy tears. . . .

Somewhere it has to stop. And it did, after three hours and thirty minutes.

If you want cool strange people, Legolas and Gimli provide the show. They made Leonidas at the bridge look human. Which he was. But they made him look more so.

Arrows and swords and axes and brave action they looked quite content to hit the streets and look for some more fun when the movie was over. Everyone else looked like they just wanted the royalties.

I probably should put in some words about Aragorn. I was quite fond of the guy for the most part, but I have to say that he's not the smoothest individual when it comes to figuring out that when girls secretly follow you to the battlefield after long, dreary goodbyes, have their dad make you an incredible sword that says you're king, bake you an apple pie for Valentines Day, darn your socks, are white as a sheet when they are around you, and seemingly shrink before your very eyes whenever you say a kind word to them, you've got a problem.

You're a chick magnet.

Sadly, Aragorn did not take proper precautions under such circumstances. He did not run far enough or fight hard enough against the fate that so sadly befell him.

Some fall on the battlefield. Others at the dinner table.

One is quick and painless. The other lasts a lifetime. . .

Which brings us to the terrible danger of Rock Music. Never fall for Arrowsmith's lead singer's daughter. That's how my parents raised me. How sad that not all children were raised so well.

At this time, I probably should point out that Gollum was an extremely interesting character. He reminded me of Joe Leiberman with an attitude.

Gollum is not your normal "used to be Hobbit, murderer, lived underground by myself for hundreds of years, didn't own anything but a very powerful ring that pretty much ruled the whole world" creature. To be blunt, he reminded me of Christina Aguilera. He made really funny noises, didn't wear many clothes, and always seemed to be preening for someone even though he had extremely bad taste in make up and attire.

To summarize the review: A-Rod goes, Sam's a chick, Aragorn's chic, Gollum's Christina (and don't forget Joe), Legolas and Gimli Dwarf the competition, and never, ever, under any circumstances, fall for the daughter of the leader of an 80's rock band's.

Night.

Mark Bigger has been making the Christmas party circuit again. He could comment on tonight's party and say how wonderful it was, how jolly it was to see truly good friends and have deep discussions of lasting merit, but alas, that would be inconsistent with the purpose of this blog.

So he expounds on his role at such parties.

Your blogger's role is extremely complicated. It involves incredibly dexterity, force of will, and a commitment to blarney. In effect, your blogger works at entertaining people without the use of piano, poem, program, or prop. He jokes.

Now if a completely objective view was given of Mark Bigger's jokes, the verdict would not declare his jokes to be havens of hilarity. In fact, some view Mark's jokes more as an escape from social reality than a haven of hilarity. But force of will puts your blogger through the obstacle of lack of encouragement. He dexterously finds solace in the polite nervous laughs of the hired catering staff. He perseveres. In fact, Mark's behavior at Christmas parties is a testament to what a character he is and what character he is so instrumental in developing in others.

For the icy coldness of silence is forever frozen out by by Mark's harmless banter at Christmas parties only to be interrupted by food entries into his inner being. Your blogger may not be the most well liked party goer. But he certainly competes for most remembered.

And now he will be remembered for promising an LOTR Movie review for today and being too tired to follow through.

Sad thing indeed when blogger reliant people of the world cannot trust their blogger to follow through on his blogging word.

I mourn with you.

Your blogger returns after a tiring two days of work and watching the final "The Lord of the Rings" movie. He is tempted to start with a review of LOTR, but since he only slept two hours last night (on the office floor) his normal tired rants would be super sized beyond human comprehension. He eagerly awaits tomorrow's challenge of writing a review of LOTR that effectively teases everyone involved.

Now readers of this blog may be disturbed that Mark Bigger decided to sleep for a very limited time no the confines of a second story office of the Oregon Capitol Building. They may think that he must not be the same sensible Mark that so simply declares and clarifies truth on this blog. They wonder if it is supreme love of work, a fine commitment to duty, or an overridingly important project that has so consumed his time in the past two days.

Your blogger explains.

Sensible. Mark is still the same sensible fellow that you all know and love. He is just carefully concealing his sensibleness between several layers of carefully constructed yarn. Which I've just spun.

As for Mark's supreme love of work, his fine commitment, the importance of what he is doing, and all that stuff, I ask you to look at his law school career.

What a fine one it was. And do you know why? Creativity.

Where others saw a lesson plan, Mark planned his life around lessons. He carefully skirted them, almost as carefully as he skirts skirts. He may not have had the best grades. He may not have been the teachers pet. But he chartered new ground in the psychological world of study avoidance.

Some people were overcome by guilt, a desire to do their best, competition, or just plain fear of failure. But Mark Bigger never let little things like that cause him to yield to the terrible peer pressure of studying. Then calmly, methodically, with all of the serene assurance of a cat with its tail on fire, Mark would study for a terrifyingly food, sleep, and entertainment free week or two before taking his final. Gray hairs grew on all forms of life within reach of his screams.

But before those two weeks rolled around, he stood, sometimes alone, a tribute to the wonderful psychological power of study avoidance.

Now how is this related to occasionally working through the night at the Capitol? hmm, good point. Could it be - that in a completely calmly calculated way of course - that Mark Bigger has slightly compulsive tendencies of behavior? Maybe he just likes the idea of being the only one in the Capitol working. In fact, he thinks it's rather boring to work when other people around, but at 3 AM in the morning, it has a certain charm.

Really, I can't think of what I'm saying and I can't think of what to say. So I'm saying that I'm thinking of not saying anymore thoughts.

Jay Leno reports that US Forces are using mainstream interrogation techniques to break down Saddam's resistance. Such techniques include providing only bland food, sleep deprivation, and a lack of comfortable seating arrangements. In America, we call this flying coach.

Recent basketball injuries have led Mark Bigger to the conclusion that the reasonable course of action would be to take up less dangerous pursuits such as bull riding or lion hunting until full medical coverage can be obtained. But bravery and basketball is a large part of who Mark Bigger is and he is firmly fighting the desire to be reasonable no matter what the cost in ice and advil. Once he obtains full medical coverage, he will start his local hospital goodwill tour to promote more reading and writing in America (between insurance and medical providers).

Had a job interview today. Criminal Defense.

Mark's interview tips:

(1) If you chew gum at the interview, don't blow bubbles. Unless you make the point that not only can you chew gum and walk at the same time, you can interview and blow bubbles simultaneously. Creativity and coordination!
(2) Keeping your hands from nervous movements is a must. Especially avoid the two hands up "I surrender" movement. Bad form. May cause unnecessarily background checks.
(3) All things considered, cut off shorts should only be worn to interviews where you are just trying to keep your unemployment coming.
(4) Disney ties should not be worn to many job interviews. Too Goofy and Daffy.
(5) Do not respond to a statement of a good employees qualifications with "Like, not a problem man. I could handle that in my sleep. Do you have a drug testing program?"

Blogger Bigger Updates on Bakersfield

The Legal Pad (condo of law school buddies Jeremy and Seth) is like a home away from home for me. I can go there and know that my large contributions to the western world will be ignored while any tiny itsy bitsy little quirks I may have are ridiculed and used in an ongoing campaign to keep my humble.

"A prophet. . . ."

Bakersfield is Bakersfield. 3 out of 5 Bakersfield Dentists have teeth of their own.

Nice weather. The ending of one of those "lost in the desert westerns" where the bad guy dies out in them middle of nowhere in great suffering with dust billowing around him and no water in sight is just like Bakersfield before habitation.

Many Bakersfield residents have decided to stay in school longer. I think it has to do with the country western music that they have started to play over the PA System. Anything to keep them corralled until their 15th birthday. That way we can keep them in school until they can safely leave off their own children at school and go to work.

Your Blogger of choice (maybe your 151st choice, but a choice nonetheless) asks in preparation for today's journey to California: "since the object of speeding laws is safety, are you really breaking the law if you are safely traveling faster than the posted number and are not given a ticket by an officer of the law?"

HA! I think not.

Readers Digest asks the question "Are men or women more honest?"

So what is the point of time and subject reference? Honest in regard to past facts? Past feelings? Present facts? Present feelings? Future?

You get the drift. I would submit to you that women are more honest than men in regard to their present and past intentions. "Aha" you say, "women are more honest."

Not so. Not so if you calculate useful honesty. If a man deceives someone, he deceives someone. It happens.

But women, the unfathomable mysteries, can be telling the absolute truth but still be lying by men's standards. It's simple, women do change their mind at an alarmingly fast rate (yes, it's a gross generalization. I admit it, and I admit that gross generalizations are often wrong in specific instances. That's why they are gross generalizations). Today's truth is anybody's guess tomorrow.

I submit that truth should also be judged by it's utility. So, women are more honest than men. But if a man says that he has the future intention of doing such and such, there is a very small probability that he will change his mind (telling the truth at the time) plus the chance that he is lying. But a woman, on the other hand, could be deceiving (less likely than for a man) but very well could change her mind (leaving to the widespread speculation that her mind was disposeable in the first place. But your blogger vocally disagrees with such spec in order to be more egalitarian and possibly receive more cookies) meaning that the utility of what is being asserted is less than what it would be for man (even though he is more likely to be lying).

Following me?

I'm hearing a distant echo here.

Is anyone there?

Mark Bigger Given Achievement Award

Mark Bigger was presented with the first annual "Most Productive George Office Employee" award today as part of the ongoing efforts of the Office of Senator George to promote a good atmosphere and positive self image for all employees.

"Mark Bigger has consistently shown dedication in dealing with cranky constituents, answering emails from agencies, and reading the mail." A spokesman from the George office stated. "On behalf of the George Office Achievement Monitoring Board, it is my pleasure to take Mark Bigger to lunch on behalf of all of the OAMB staff."

Mark Bigger was characteristically humble in his acceptance of the honor. "Many staffers suffer long hours without any recognition of their efforts." Bigger said, citing a long line of historic labor agreements excluding recognition of Legislative Aides, "But in the George office, I always feel like my efforts are fully appreciated by OAMB."

Mark Bigger is the sole employee of the George office and was recently unanimously voted in as the Chairman of the Board of the OAMB. In his capacity as Chairman, he has pledged to make the George office more employee friendly. You can email him with stories of positive George office employee exploits at mjbigger@juno.com.

Earthquake felt in Washington, D.C.

An earthquake was felt in Washington, D.C. today. D.C. staffers pointed to a dropped copy of the Federal Rules for Small Business as the cause of the quake.

Al Gore Endorses Howard Dean, Promises to Use Gillette Razers To Soften Image

Al Gore today had a ringing endorsement of Democrat Candidate Howard Dean. "This isn't about the other candidates," stated Gore, "It's not about my running mate last time who caused me to lose, it's not about any of them. The fact of the matter is Howard Dean has Maple Powered Howard Ice Cream named after him. You can't beat that."

Maple Powered Howard was introduced by Dean supporters Ben and Jerry. Ben and Jerry are often confusedly identified as the two main characters in "Dude, Where's My Car?" In fact, they are makers of an extremely fine tasting ice cream that they only sell in tiny little containers to avoid the exorbitances of capitalism. For those tiny little containers, they charge extremely high prices as a reminder to everyone of how much things would cost if we were under the form of government they would prefer.

Al Gore continued, "Howard continues the tradition of Democrat candidates that everyone except for Walter Mondale followed. Of course, I'm referring to his name. A good name. A name of someone you can have a beer with. A name like Jimmy, Willie, or Al. Howard. That's what voters look at and that's what I'm making my judgement based on."

Al Gore still points out that he received 500,000 more of the popular vote than GW in 2000. "I've never been voted most popular before. For once, I felt like I was in the 'in' crowd and I don't care if most of those votes did come from dead people in Chicago and New Orleans."

Financial Advice for the Intelligent Blog Reader (note: headline can be interpreted as reading that the person reading this blog is intelligent or that this blog is intelligent. Wiggle room. Ha ha ha)

It has come to my attention that a great many intelligent people who are readers of this blog (intelligent because they are, after all, my friends) are practically financially illiterate. Therefore, it behooves me during the course of human events to correct certain misconceptions about finances, how to handle them, and their relationship with happiness.

1. Mark Bigger's Definition of Financial Success: "Financial success is the absence of financial worry caused ulcers, the presence of full cognitive abilities, the absence of creditors, and the presence of the ability to afford a Seven Layer Burrito at Taco Bell."

2. Mark Bigger's how to get there from here guide

Let's start with the definition of here and there. Mark defines here as "wherever you are at" and there as "being able to intelligently afford a Seven Layer Burrito creditor and ulcer free."

First of all, ulcers. Ulcers are caused by worry. Worry is caused by lack of laughter. Lack of laughter is caused by not looking closely in the mirror when you get up in the morning. How you start the day is how you finish it. Take a good look, enjoy God's sense of humor, embrace the walking joke that is you, and move through your day confident that you will not see anything scarier than what you've already encountered.

My Uncle, a wise man, once said that the advice "learn to be amused, not angry, at your own mistakes" profoundly changed his life. Ulcers are a direct result of anger, bitterness, and the Clinton Presidency.

Secondly, cognitive abilities. This is difficult for some us. But cognitive abilities are mainly lost because of lack of exercise, not ability. Embrace learning. Engage in thinking. And your financial life will take on enjoyable qualities previously unknown.

Thinking is an exercise. The brain is a muscle. And your mental fitness is in direct proportion to your cheerful attitude toward life (even though it sucks if you're a Seahawk fan).

Thirdly, creditor free. This is the simpliest thing in the world. How people get into debt is beyond me. Avoiding debt has been extremely easy for me and I'm happy to share this secret:

Getting in debt is impossible if no one will loan you money

I successfully was turned down for five straight credit cards. When I tell friends that I'm out of cash and look longingly at the expensive items on the Taco Bell Menu Board, my friends say things like "then you can entertain us while we eat."

You will never have creditors if no one will loan you money. If you are in this position, the world is your ice cream cone. Watch for drips.

Last for this lesson, acquiring $1.59 for the Seven Layer Burrito of your life. For some, this is the easiest step. For the Mark Bigger's of the world, this is a hard one. Consider the following:

By collecting 32 soda cans with a five cent deposit, you are able to purchase one Seven Layer Burrito. There's difficulty with this solution. The fierce competition that the Mark Bigger's of the world face with the homeless community for stray cans.

It's a dog eat dog world out there and dog's don't taste nearly as good as the pundits say they do. But there are other solutions.

Consider fundraising solutions outside of the Post Office. You still face the competition element, but there's alot more funding available with significantly less work. Plus you have a vast advantage if you are still sober and put up a "Will Work for Food" sign with "I have a law degree and could make up a really nifty will for you" at the bottom. Try it. It works (and has long term Seven Layer Burrito potential)!

I could go on and on in regard to finances. But for today I'm going to sign off with the following reminder: "A dollar earned is a dollar taxed."

Cheerio

Last night I watched "The Last Samurai." TLS had one fatal flaw: Tom Cruise. But I'll continue to make comments about the movie regardless.

General observation: I don't recall ever seeing so many guys losing their heads with no girl in sight. It was heartening.

Tom Cruise is the sole survivor of an attack of 500 men. The mathematical odds of this (according to a person who actually understands a substantial part of mathematics) is 1 in 273390600000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000.

This, of course, leaves out the human factor (that one white face in an asian country is much more likely to be picked out as a target than the 499 asians alongside of him and that out of white faces, Tom Cruise is even more likely to be picked out as a target of malice.) Tom Cruise is a dream in this movie. He certainly couldn't actually be alive.

TLS is extremely beautiful in scenery and has some good battle scenes. That being said, it's an extremely confused movie as befitting a film whose director chose Tom Cruise to be the lead role. For instance, pretty much every possible ethnic group besides caucasians are singled out as being nobler than the terrible white man. Yet at the same time, the only white man is the only survivor of the great battle. If Tom Cruise was John Wayne (obviously, he isn't. I apologize to John Wayne's descendants for even making the comparison), this would be considered to be another example of the white man trying to show himself as superior to other races. But since it's Tom Cruise and since the movie makes it plain that whites, and in particular Americans, are not pure and have bad karma, this seems an acceptable form of Hollywood behavior (it was really quite touching how the movie portrayed swords and war as pure and pristine while guns and war were terrible and defiling).

But that being said, the movie was actually highly visually entertaining. I did feel that it was a waste to get so many thousands of men killed in a film without making one of them TC. When will a director come along who is willing to do the right thing?

James Cameron killed off Leonardo Dicaprio in "Titanic" (if he would have killed off Kate Winslet, I wouldn't have sworn to never watch the movie). Leo was even killed off in the end of "The Quick and the Dead." Other notable wimpy box office stars have been commendably killed off in flicks as well. But TC must have a morbid fear of dying and write it into his contracts or something. It's time for Directors and Producers to band together and tell TC that he's mortal. put it into the script and play "taps" for him.

In each of our lives we have defining moments. Events that trascend time and leaving an imprint on our inner being. Both good and bad, these defining moments change your life forever.

Graduating from law school, the death of my beloved dog Shellee, being on my first winning political campaign, successfully marrying my dear sister off to an unsuspecting nice guy, the Seahawks 1984 AFC Championship Game loss to the LA Raiders, finding out that MacGyver was made for TV, not a real person.

We all have had such defining moments. Cherish them. Even the bad ones. For defining moments are the mile markers of your life.

While losing three straight games at basketball last night I was reminded of the Bigger family maxim: "If at first you don't succeed, fail, fail again." Inspirational, isn't it?

The internet connection was down all of yesterday and prevented this blog from being updated. And some people don't believe in the power of prayer.

I love my state. I'm not referring to insanity. I'm referring to Oregon. So here are a few slogans to promote the tourism business.

Oregon: It more than just rains here, it pours!
Oregon: Home of the top ten FBI's Most Wanted Basketball players (and the 11th and 12th too!)
Oregon: It may be legal here, but Kurt Cobain ended it all in Seattle

(For the more sheltered members of my blog reading audience, Kurt Cobain was the guy who made Courtney Love a Widow. Courtney Love is a singer of sorts made famous by Kurt Cobain. Kurt Cobain was a guy driven to song (depressing songs) by Courtney Love. Courtney Love was the girl who made Kurt Cobain widow Courtney Love. Hope that clears it up for you. I'm thinking of submitting it to A & E Biography. It could be part of a series on couples entitled "Textbook Marriages: 'Til Death Do Us Part")

Today I received a Christmas card from George and Laura Bush. It was a real heartbreaker for me. You'd think that the past owner of the Texas Rangers would at least be able to match the $5 dollars my grandparents put in my Christmas card.

In a move solidifying his status as a leader in the Democratic Primary, General Wesley Clarke successfully solicited support from Hollywood and the entertainment world, including Jennifer Lopez and Madonna.

"Entertainers are the intellectuals of the Democratic Party" stated leading Democrat consultant Geoffrey Rush, "The Washington Democrat establishment has long since proven their uneffectiveness. With noted thinkers like Madonna, J-Lo, and Barbara Streisand on his side, General Clarke will have the best intellectual firepower available to go up against George W. and his band of cronies."

With Madonna and J-Lo wrapped up for the General, other Democrat candidates are scrambling for leftovers. Keanu Reeves is now a top target for candidates such as Howard Dean and Richard Gephardt.

"Keanu's success in the Matrix and the philosophy his most famous role espouses are perfect for Democrat candidates" states Mr. Rush, "the idea that we can confront our enemies and stop them with the strength of our beliefs and nothing else was solidified in the second Matrix. In Matrix Revolutions, Keanu demonstrated the same sort of coherent philosophy that the Democratic Party so strongly believes in. He's a perfect fit."

The world waits with anticipation to see who Michael Jackson endorses. The key to the Democrat primary could very well hinge on Michael's decision.